Parenting is harder than archery

Here’s my problem with many of the more popular mom sites – they almost universally feature diet tips, kid-friendly recipes and celebrities with eighty-hour a week jobs pontificating about the difficulty of raising children.

So here is the last diet tip you will ever have to read: Eat lots of vegetables, cut out refined sugar, and exercise six times a week. Not willing to do those things? Then…

Here is the last kid-friendly cooking advice you will ever read… ready? Kids will eat anything when they’re hungry enough. Not up for sitting through three days of starvation? Fair enough. Then what?

And on the subject of celebrities, here’s a little granule of truth about America that is not widely publicized and yet has been pretty extensively hinted at, if you know what to look for; Everything is easier if you’re rich, and motherhood is no exception…. Hold on kid is screaming…

Okay, I’m back. Apparently Daddy decided to play a little game with Samson (7) where he dunks him into the pool every time he cries. He lost count at twenty, so the kid was hysterical. I had to get in the pool and explain that sometimes daddies have bad ideas about how to make children feel better.

Heck I’m lucky to have a pool. Or a husband for that matter. I didn’t complain about him at all for the first ten years of our relationship, but when I started I went in hard. The couples therapist has told me that I have to stop projecting onto him, but how can that be, when I’m not a moron?

Speaking of my children turning into degenerates (we weren’t) looked over just now to see David (8) hunched over, with his crotch against the jet in the spa, where he’s apparently been for the last half an hour getting a baby blowjob. I thought something was wrong with him until he looked up with exactly the same expression on his face that daddy had this morning when mommy was enacting the part of spa jet.

Now I am dry, but David is still walking around with no pants, yelling “Help me, he threw a stick at my face” and Samson is screaming “He threw his shoe at me…” Okay, now we have a problem – Samson just stepped on David’s new favorite pastime/reason for living.
Hold on, just have to look up online how to fix a bow and arrow …

Okay, crisis averted. Although the 8 year old briefly looked like he was going to put an arrow into his own heart with grief. Now if I can just type without my hands shaking so much. Must be the medication…

So here’s a little questionnaire for you – Have you ever spent time in:

• A mental hospital
• A Twelve-Step Meeting
• Another form of self-help group
Or
• Jail

Or if your answer to any or all of these questions is a resounding “Not Yet,” then you may have finally found your people. I feel empty, vaguely discontented, and sometimes downright unhappy, and to the outside world I look like I have it all Especially to my forty-something single friends whose eggs are disappearing faster than McMuffins on a Sunday morning. And do me a favor and don’t tell me to meditate, okay? Because I already do… why do you think I didn’t tick the “Jail” option in the questionnaire? But there’s still time…

Kids are still screaming, but this time with delight as daddy is taking them to see “Ice Age” whatever number they’re up to in that franchise. (So nice to see Dennis Leary et al still getting a steady paycheck.) The kids’ lightning fast bounce back from misery to ecstasy is making me suspect a diagnosis of bi-polar, but I guess I should relax about it as the school says they are quite functional. Clearly they are saving this shit for home.

So now they’re all gone… Yummy kisses were exchanged and there’s quiet at last. I am sitting here missing a few things. One Ugg boot, one flip-flop and also, one maid, as there is a stack of four meals worth of dishes in the sink, three loads of laundry on the floor, and I need to find out where the dog has been secreting those shoes.

Ah… The glorious sounds of birds chirping and the ability to hear oneself think. And here is the loudest thought making its way into the front of my lobe, straight from the Lizard Brain. And it is this: “G-d, I miss them already…”

7 comments

  1. Another great post! When are you going to publish these short stories into a book, i reckon that would be a brilliant idea!!! x

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