I’m Too Jewish For Polyamory

Polyamory: (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor/love) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Like a moral minority of G-d loving almost Americans, I’ve become obsessed with the new Showtime show “Polyamory – Married and Dating.” As half of the country appears to be going to hell in a hand basket (do you remember a day in recent memory when innocent people were not shot by some gun-toting maniac?) this show actually makes me feel like as a culture we may be heading in the right direction. Although the moral majority has these facts flipped, probably seeing a show like “Polyamory” as a sign that we’ve already entered the seventh circle of Hell.

There are so many configurations in the Poly world it can be a little confusing for those of us still clinging to archaic notions of two people per couple… In the show they introduce two of them; a formation of three partners, called a “Triad,” and a “Quad” wherein two couples all presumably have sex with each other (although the male to male aspect of this is left somewhat vague.) In the show I saw, one of the members of the “Quad” decides to “come out” to his unsuspecting parents at Friday night Shabbat dinner, which I felt was both brave and unnecessary. You’re in your thirties/forties, do you really need to be “honest” so that you can see your parents having a suppressed heart attack over their Gefilte fish?”

Nevertheless, here are five reasons I’m too Jewish for polyamory:1. Although I lean just towards dick on the Kinsey scale (inversely to my good friend Becky Donahue who is just this side of pussy) I cannot imagine having to deal with another woman’s hormones in addition to my own. What would we do in bed, night-sweat on each other?

2. I am intensely jealous and possessive of my husband. I made sure that when he ordered his wedding ring, along with the Great Wall of China and the beam of light coming from the Luxor, it could be seen from space. While I enjoy the fantasy of him with another woman, the reality of him boning some Shiksa could result in some serious eye for an eye action, Old Testament style.

3. I just got back from the acupuncturist who thank G-d put me somewhat back together after I pulled a major back muscle helping some woman into her car. Physically configuring a threesome would clearly put me in the hospital.

4. If the third person in the Triad was a guy it would presumably involve even more of that other activity that I perform to de-stress my (only) husband, and then my problem can be summed up in two words – Jewish knees.

5. As much as I complain that I don’t get enough action, the last thing I need is two dudes pawing at me when my Estrogen levels barely ensure that I’ll manage to be civil, let alone be tempted into Karma Sutra Position Number 23.

So if you can do the Poly thing – I take my metaphorical hat off to you. But right now, I have enough difficulty sustaining one relationship, plus two kids starting school tomorrow, two puppies, one of whom still shits in the house, not to mention wrangling the intractable beast called my personality. Although… it would be nice to have someone else to share drop off tomorrow, and pick up, and karate, and baseball, and dinner… and maybe the kids would be better served, because with three partners statistically there would be a better chance that not everyone would be flipping out at the same time…

But what would we tell the kids, about the moms and dads and why they all play “musical beds?” Also who would go on Parents/Teacher night? And where would we fit everybody? Clearly anything that entails getting a mini-van can’t be that radical.

14 comments

  1. Hahahaha oh wow. Yeah it’s a strange world in the polysphere huh?

    I’m tryin to convince myself that what I am doing doesn’t fit into the polyamory lifestyle. I mean. I’m not having sex with any of these 20 men (as of yet) but I am in a sense “loving” several men at once. Well, loving some. Dating others. It’s all a very interesting concept.

    I can see how dating several men can be fun and eye opening and stress relieving but when it comes to marriage. No. I can’t. I just can’t do it.

    • Marriage has actually been pretty stabilizing for me, but then I don’t do well screwing lots of people. Though I love the concept, the fact was that when I was trying to “do it like a man” I was a complete emotional wreck. Come to find out it’s that damn Oxcytocin we get hooked on, which the men seem more immune to. Curses!

  2. My lesbian girlfriend left me for a bi-sexual woman and her straight husband. This happened just over two years ago and although I would find it challenging to be in such a relationship, they are all still living happily together in their Polyamorous Pasadena Love Shack … so who am I to judge? Besides, I’m sure they get enough judgment from the couple’s teenage daughters when their father and my Ex flip a coin or go three out of five in Rochambeau or whatever they do to determine who gets to nail Mommy’s that night. I mean, the thought of regular parent sex is disturbing at any age, but having your mother suddenly decide to move her girlfriend in with the family when you’re in high school? *shudder°

    • Wow that is an amazing story thank you so much for sharing it. “Polyamorous Pasadena Love Shack” – classic. I think the only thing to do with all this is to laugh, and also therapy. Lots of therapy. You sound like you are doing remarkably well, considering…

  3. I don’t share….I’m very ego driven and expect to be the Sex Goddess…in my man’s life. Even after the breakup,…Their punishment is never having me again.,As far as sleeping with a woman…boring…..Having 4 major planets in Scorpion energy ..we consider stinging our lovers to death after copulation…if not a satisfied. So Polyamory would be dangerous for all concerned If I even thought about this lifestyle.

  4. LOL! This is great – Jewish knees indeed! I got those.

    For me the advantages of poly (including the ones you mention at the end) outweigh the disadvantages. But the questions you ask about parent/teacher night, talking w/ the kids, etc are big ones that poly-folk need to tackle. Hell my whole poly blog is based on the fact that people DON’T talk about that stuff enough.

    I did want to clarify – while group sex was a big part of Showtime’s pitch, it actually is not (in my experience) the norm in polyamory. Group sex does happen if the folks in the relationship want it, but one-on-one is much more common.

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