Inventory of Moving House for Moving Company

Inventory of temporary house move (one year) from sprawling-like Malibu house, to small beachfront Malibu apartment (more like Ventura, but same zip-code.) Or how to squish one family into half the square footage without losing weight.

  1. Child (male) Tall, athletic, loves money too much for a seven (7) year old. On no account tell any financial details of move, as they will be repeated at random moments in large, booming voice to strangers (like he did with mommy’s age.)
  2. Child (also male) Slightly less tall, somewhat less athletic, but can climb any tree in vicinity. Moving to apartment with no trees. Bribed with TV in room. Eight (8) years old, with teenage sense of humor. (blame bad parenting.)
  3. One (1) large Labradoodle (potty trained) fluffy, white, exuberant, barks too much for apartment complex.
  4. Dog (1) black, small half poodle half Lemur monkey, (not potty trained) barks at inanimate objects.
  5. Husband (1) mostly potty trained, barks more than when first met, color white (sadly, not black.) Will be spotted during move chewing skin around fingers, biting lip, and smiling too hard. Gets quieter when angry, treat with caution. Armed with sarcastic wit and not afraid to use it.
  6. Wife (1) with the personalities of many. Neurotic, red-haired, may be convulsing during move, or muttering to self quietly in the corner. Pay no attention, no-one else does. High propensity for drama, in reality harmless.
  7. Paintings (6) painted by father of wife. If damaged, wife lashes out and becomes dangerous.
  8. Paintings (7) done by client of husband, don’t even fucking touch them they’re worth a fortune, they’re just babysitting them. No, don’t even look at them…
  9. Furniture, already destroyed by years of living with 1.and 2., just throw in van willy nilly, don’t worry about the blankets, everything’s already been ruined to shit by those animals. (human)
  10. Personal effects (too many) boxes will be clearly labelled. Please do not go through wife’s underwear, though she still considers herself sexually attractive, for some reason she does not find this flattering. Ignore that large pink box inside bedside table, yes it’s heavy and rattles around a bit – so what?
  11. Husband’s effects of unusually large size, but may be compressed, like his balls have been after over a decade living with wife.Good luck, and now perhaps you won’t be so cavalier with that birth control…

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