Kids Didn’t Ruin My Life, Life Did

The kids have been back at school for a week so I have resumed my position as nightly school mistress, standing over them and barking orders until they get their homework finished. I have to be a tyrant for them to get it done, to the point where I feel like I’m playing a part and don’t even recognize myself. This used to be the time of year I got excited about the The Emmy’s. Wouldn’t it be incredible if they gave awards for everything that parenting entails?

I wish someone was there to give me a review on loading the dishwasher.

The New York Times raves “Brisk’s dishwasher loading is a tour de force… the stacking reveals a deep intelligence at work….” 
Rolling Stone says, “Edgy… she’s not afraid to leave spaces – and wait for the next round, unlike her husband who overstacks…. Leaves knives the sharp way up, a true renegade…”

The Daily Mail says, “Susanna loading the dishwasher did not live up to the hype. One star.”

I’m just grateful I have a dishwasher.

I keep waiting for the pat on the head for being a good girl. I keep rehearsing an acceptance speech for the recognition that never comes…

“Oh thank you so much… wow… Um… First off, I’d like to thank God. Even when I was working on this Diorama… I really felt the Holy Spirit with me. I would like to thank my kids for keeping their filthy little paws off mommy’s project… I’d like to thank my husband… he put up with a lot, glue on the bedsheets, glitter on the rug and of course, the fact that I didn’t want to do it after figuring out how to make fifteen mermaids stand upright on duct tape tails.”

“ And I just want to acknowledge the other ladies in this category… Susie’s mom – you did a great job on Susie’s Diorama the work was really beautiful… even though I felt you should have been disqualified for using three huge arrowhead water tubs instead of a shoebox… we’ll see how that kind of attitude helps her get into an Ivy…. I’m humbled by this award – thank you!”

I tell you if all parenting was arts and crafts, I would be the world’s best mother!

But sadly it isn’t. I’m so grateful to have kids because they remind me to pay attention to this freakishly short life. I know I have a couple of best friends who are over forty and they really want kids and they’re freaking out. One of them has a birthday in the next few weeks (around Emmy time) and I asked her, “What do you want for your birthday?”

She said without skipping a beat, “Sperm. I’d like some really powerful sperm.”

I may not have an Oscar, a Tony, a DGA award or even a People’s Choice. But if it came down to a choice, I’d retroactively take the sperm any day….
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2 comments

  1. You are a crazy lady and I love it! “Brisk’s dishes make Meryl Streep’s dishes look like a poor stepsister did them.”

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