I Got Laid… For Real This Time

And like a fine wine (which I do not drink) paired with a perfectly glazed Creme Brûlée (that I don’t eat) it sent me to the heights of Ecstasy (haven’t had a tab since ’96.) After the act, my husband buys himself some serious points; walking the dogs becomes “my pleasure,” home cooked food materializes in front of him and sure he can check emails on a Saturday, of course! I suddenly start referring to our first dates together, quoting long-ago forgotten corny inside jokes, and dusting off sentimental wedding frames. Sadly its turns out that I love my husband conditionally. If he could never have sex with me again, while I would always love him, I would be forced to go Elsewhere.

Here’s the thing – I’m insatiable.

And I’m not talking about sexual appetite here, I’m talking about need for affirmation/attention/worship that the acts surrounding sex (if you’re lucky) entail. I don’t think I’m completely like other women, but I do know plenty of women like me. Sex with one man is enough for them, but attention from one man is not. Why would G-d have invented the mini-skirt if there weren’t girls who liked being looked at? Are we still pretending that women wear mini-skirts for each other? Unless of course they’re lesbians, and sometimes when I see a girl in a short dress I am one.

Here’s the bizarre thing about living in Malibu – forget eye candy, the entire zip-code is a smorgasbord of hotness. On weekdays, the locals swan around (most of them a size 6 or lower) the men in casual clothing as contemplated as you can be without actually being a homosexual in the fashion industry. I came to maturation in Australia, and while there were lots of cute guys, we are talking about Los Angeles here, where every cutest girl/boy/valedictorian is out here trying to make it. It’s like a sexual buffet. People don’t age normally out here, and while that has its ridiculous aspects, it is also inspiring. Sure some of us sell our souls to the devil, so?

On weekends it’s the tourists, and that’s a whole other post, but amongst the L.A. young people, you will see a 98% perfect ab ratio per capita. If you are plain or overweight, you do not hang out at the beach in Malibu on weekends, you’re probably in the house, studying something that will doubtless help humanity one day, and render these erstwhile hotties as your employees. I’m not suggesting that you can’t be beautiful, smart and accomplished, but working on your physique takes a lot of time away from pursuits that are not totally about the self. I doubt Marie Pasteur invented Penicillin while she was working on her tan.

Today after yoga (spare me the ridicule, I’m aware that I’m a walking cliche) I went to my local juice/smoothie place and it struck me how many unusually good-looking people I am surrounded by on a daily basis, and the fact that if I were some kind of crazy sex addict (as opposed to a crazy love/intrigue/romantic fantasy addict) I would be rubbing one out in the Prius every few minutes. So I started taking pictures of all of the beautiful people, with their permission of course, just so you know what we’re dealing with here…

Exhibits A and B:

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And just to keep it equal opportunity:
Exhibits C and D:

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And in case you think the moms are slouches- check out this gorgeous woman, with a child who has clearly won the genetic lottery…

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I’m. Just. Saying. Temptation abounds and yet. I don’t eat sugar anymore because I didn’t like the way it made me feel, I don’t drink alcohol because my personality became even more insufferable and the one of the greatest highs I get (besides getting laid) is from you: when you are moved or amused by something I write. It turns out that it is not that difficult to resist temptation, when you are an (alleged) adult, but I did spend over three hours chatting with these people (and others) which made it impossible to write. Try as I might, I cannot fucking stop talking!

I got home and the kids were watching a movie, a classic that I’ve seen hundreds of times – Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but it was fun watching them see it for the first time. And it reminded me yet again that while there may be tasty and exotic candy everywhere, nothing good ever happens for the greedy children…

16 comments

  1. Hey Susana, I’ve just spent time re-reading many of your blog posts, while listening to Van Morrison in the background and maybe having had a couple of Xanax. ( I don’t drink either).
    I have chosen to do this because I was told this week I will be losing one of my kidneys and im in deaperte need to escape my own head. At this stage I have entered a daze but I know the time will come when I will be freaking the fuck out.
    The medical world has always been the aspect of life I fear the most, and thankfully to this point I have navigated my way well clear of it. My luck just ran out and I need to tell someone I’m scared.
    While I have a loving wife, a beautiful son, supportive parents and a great family I’m telling you! I guess im protecting myself and the image I have attempted to maintain as opposed to some grand notion of protecting those I love!
    Your honesty has always attracted me to your work and your ability and willingness to expose your truth is something that I admire greatly.
    By writing this I hope it gives you a little insight into how your writing touches on one of your many fans lives.
    Thanks for sharing, thanks for listening.

    Herb from Oz

    • Herb, I was so touched by your letter I didn’t even know how to respond- which is unlike me. My first instinct was to make jokes, because thats what I do when I’m uncomfortable. Here are the kind of cracks I wanted to make:
      1. Can I come over and snort some Xanax and listen to Van Morrison with you?
      2. Something about Indian cartels who steal internal organs.
      3. A joke about how the kids have literally taken your kidneys out (or one of them.)
      But none of those seemed to express what your letter meant to me.
      I am so sorry about your health problems- it seems unfair and one of my best friends is I’ll now and another one has stage 4 and I feel helpless and don’t know what to do. So I’m going to do what I can- which is pray for you and message you privately to send you a healing book I give people when they are sick. It’s non denominational but has a lot of positive energy. I am so grateful that you found me on TPE and I can be a source of comfort and entertainment for you. Keep being honest about your truth… But I have a feeling you will. XO S

  2. You are so hilarious and dead on with this. I think we all crave attention from our spouses and total strangers! It’s what keeps me going after 11 years of marriage. Every human wants to feel noticed or one step further desired by another. I’m just glad you’re getting it in over there! XK

    • Thank you so much Kristen! Those of us with “impressive husbands” are supposed to be content with that. I’m sure lots of women would swap with us… but this has nothing to do with the husbands themselves. Still remember you that night in the yellow dress… wow! I would have dated you myself! XO

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