Would you like…
A. To be a good parent
B. To be a good spouse
C. To make your kids happy
D. To have great sex
Pick one and one only,
because on any given day, you can only have ONE of these options at a time. Trust me on this, I’m so type A (not the be a good parent A, the win at all costs A) that if it could be done I would have figured out by now how to have if not all four options, them at least two at a time. But sadly any configuration does not add up.
For example, want to be A. A good parent, you probably won’t D. Make your kids happy. Because being a “good” parent involves setting boundaries, something children are known to hate. You cannot be popular as a parent, maybe at the moment you get ice cream for the family, but not a moment later when you cut off the sugar-fuelled junior WWF title fight to insist they go home to bed.
I have also found A. and B. to be almost mutually exclusive. Certainly my husband (being male) seems unable to focus on the kids and me at the same time. He is either playing with them like an overgrown human puppy, or catering to my every whim, but he cannot do both. Forget every whim- sometimes when he’s with the kids it’s like I’m not even there. Hello? I gave birth to these 8 pound bowling ball shaped motherfuckers, how’s about a little respect?
So obviously B. To be a good spouse and C. are also out- kids want our full attention and see any form of priority for the other parent as an insult. How dare we want to talk privately? Or have a shot of uninterrupted caffeine? Who the fuck so we think we are- childless yuppies with no responsibilities?
And so we get to D. To have great sex. Obviously it does not combine with C., unless your kids are happy watching you have sex in which case please stop reading this and call your nearest DSS office. (If you’re a dude it’s okay, I’m sure Bubba in your prison cell will be very gentle… )
Ditto for A. good parent- you lock the door and try to get some D. and that is the exact moment the child chooses to fall and crack his head on concrete, requiring an immediate trip to the emergency room and stitches. I mean, how fucking inconsiderate (or inconsiderate of you fucking) couldn’t he/she have constructed a tourniquet out of baby bibs and staunched the bleeding long enough for you to cum? I don’t know… Kids these days.
Now you might assume that B. Being a good spouse will make your woman wet wet wet, but this may not be so. This can be attested to by the success of the 50 Shades series, which I refuse to read because it’s badly written, but that to my understanding is not about a man who excites a woman by doing the dishes, remembering to put the ketchup back in the fridge and making sure he picks up her dry cleaning. “Oh what a great spouse you are… Good night honey, sweet dreams.”
On the other hand, some of the best D. I ever had was when I hate-fucked the shit out of my husband. The best thing playing the “good spouse” card ever got him was a mercy blowjob. I mean sure be nice to me, but just be a little mean before we go to bed. Or just be unspouse-like. I’m not saying to hit me or anything (you sick fucks – I’d kill him.)
Just be a little more, you know, boyfriend-ish. Wear the good jeans. Pick a good angle to showcase that slightly potato sack-ish body. Tease us, tantalize us, be a little dangerous… just don’t put your back out. And don’t let us put ye olde sensible pajamas on- just rip those things clean off. I guarantee that your D. will be so incredible, for a few moments at least, you’ll forget A., B., and C. even exist…