I have struggled so hard to write anything after the tragedy at Sandy Hook because I don’t want to comment on guns or mental illness or mothers who take their kids to shooting ranges or school security. Though I have many opinions about these things, I don’t want to have a dog in that fight. I pray for those who lost friends and family, especially kids (unthinkable) but I try to stay connected to the universe, even the violent parts, because separation is what causes depression, anger and violence. Empathy and compassion are harder, but ultimately the more accepting space I want to live in. Which means I will mot watch the news coverage, but doesn’t mean I wasn’t yelling at my kids the day after this happened.
“Go home and hug your kids a little closer,” they tell you and you do, for a day. The next day is a different story- it is so hard to stay in that space of gratitude when those little blood-suckers are demanding their next feeding (preferably from your major arteries.)
The fact is that I have a lot of personal change going on on my life right now and as it doesn’t just concern me, I have to keep uncharacteristically mum about it. As someone who has always over-shared, both as a blogger and a party guest (later hating myself for it) I understand now why I felt I had to disclose so much. I was trying to make a connection, you see, and yes I wanted to impress you and make you love me, also I wanted to make you laugh, but ultimately I thought if I revealed just a little more than was comfortable, we could find common ground over the small talk that passes for conversation in Los Angeles. And then for a moment at least I could feel a little less alone.
Although I also used to over-share in Melbourne, and what was my excuse then?
The kids are doing quite well, for now, they know nothing about Sandy Hook and because they have each other, seem to have none of the loneliness that became so endemic to my character so young. Change is part of life, but even positive change can be so difficult for us two-legged opposable-thumbed creatures to handle. Even animals have to be kept in a crate when moved to a new location, otherwise they will go crazy and pee everywhere. They, like us, need clear boundaries to let them know where they stand.
Right now, because of yoga and therapy and 12 step programs and this blog and writing a book and relating to other moms and kids and having kids and doing plenty of hella difficult soul work, I know where I stand. And that is for the first time in my life, I am not lonely. I stand before you about to share the very essence of my being, so that we can all go courageously through this strange little life together. And even if along the way I might share something embarrassing or trip over a crack in the sidewalk and land on my ass, or say something ridiculously inappropriate I hope that you will stick with me anyway…