I Have A Husband… And A Boyfriend

Many of you already know that my marriage ended last year. We were together for fourteen years total, married for twelve, and people used to say we were the most happily married couple they knew. Actually they used to say that we were the ONLY happily married couple they knew, which is scary. For the last three years my husband and I were attached to that idea more than the reality of being together, but I was committed to staying married for the kids’ sake. We tried couples counseling, but the fact was that I changed drastically over the last five years and we were no longer progressing side by side along life’s merry highway, in fact we’d taken a detour, mowed over some safety cones and were on our way to a head-on collision in a tunnel.

Sometimes we are encased in a denial that is like a husk, and something or someone has to come along and smash it. Which brings me to my boyfriend… On Halloween, I was dressed as Marilyn Monroe, and he was dressed as Brett Michaels from Poison, so if you think about it we had to cross the barriers of space, time, and good taste to be together. As soon as I met him, my life as I knew it before was over, and suddenly anything was possible. I figured out that I didn’t have to break up my family, that my husband and I could amicably separate, and continue to raise the kids together in the same home. It’s a custody arrangement they call “nesting”; minimal changes for them, no moving around, after all I still love their dad, just more in that way you love your best friend, because you don’t deal with her bullshit every waking second for eternity.

Which is how I came to be in the unusual situation of having both a husband… and a boyfriend. I mean in this day and age of women living longer, men dying sooner and my girlfriends having trouble getting a commitment from one skittish, emotionally immature Los Angelean male, and here’s this Malibu Mom just hogging them all. What a greedy whore, I imagine you thinking. Or maybe that’s what I’m thinking. I know it’s what my mother’s thinking, because she told me. But then she’s been married to the same guy for thirty-nine years so she doesn’t really believe in having options.

Stranger still, next weekend my husband is meeting my boyfriend for the first time and it’s not for a duel at dawn, so nobody will be slapping anybody with a leather glove saying “You have wronged me Sir” they’re just going to Starbucks. They were going for a neutral location, although Starbucks is not really that neutral if you think about it because everyone has a strong opinion about Starbucks. For example my boyfriend hates it because he is a coffee snob, whereas my husband doesn’t drink coffee but loves hanging out there with his laptop sucking back endless cups of Awake Tea. So already you see that I’m retaining way too much information for someone who lost all her Omega 3 brain power when the kids were born.

Maybe you think I’m kinky, because you imagine a threesome in the bathroom at Starbucks (they’ll give those access codes to anyone) but out of my husband and my boyfriend I only have sex with one of them. And I don’t mean one at a time, I mean just one. I stopped having sex with one so I could have sex with the other. Or whatever sex I was having, which was… well we were married so you get the idea.

I’m happy to raise my kids with my husband, because he’s a good dad, but it’s costing me something living with him and raising the little men, as I’d rather be living with my boyfriend whom I don’t have to raise as he’s a grown man, as opposed to my husband who is just kind of an old man. But everything I’ve done has been about how it will impact the kids, because let’s face it ever since those little fuckers were born, it’s been ALL ABOUT THEM.

Also next weekend, the kids are finally meeting my boyfriend, he’s taking us fishing, which should be a lot of fun – for them. I’m so grateful there will be another person to do guy-type things with them, I may not even complain about how cold it is and have we caught anything yet and can we just go eat fish at a restaurant, for which I may not even bring my iPad to consult Yelp.

It can be confusing to have both a husband and a boyfriend. Like sometimes I’m sexting with one and then the other texts to tell me something about the kids and I get worried that I’m going to promise the wrong person a blowjob, even though one of them knows from fourteen years of experience that I’m probably not talking to him.

Turns out having a husband and a boyfriend doesn’t really make you love yourself more or make it easier to deal with life or even make you feel more desirable. It just means including my two sons, I’m dealing with more testosterone than any women should. Especially when some days, unbeknownst to each other, both my husband and my boyfriend have their period on the same day. The fact is that my bottomless pit of insatiable need continues, only now it’s my boyfriend’s unenviable task to try and fill it.

So that’s how I ended up with a temporarily still my husband and a maybe one day become my husband boyfriend. I know some of you will be envious because you think I’m “having it all” but trust me when they invented that expression they were talking about being able to wear flats at the office. If I were really having it all I would have a husband to help with the kids, a boyfriend for a passionate adventure, a wife to cook and clean, a girlfriend when I have PMS and an assistant to pay my bills. Wouldn’t it be funny if my husband and my boyfriend meet each other at Starbucks and fell madly in love? Karma would be more than a bitch then, she’d be a really greedy whore.Susanna Brisk is a Sexual Intuitive® who coaches clients to get their needs met, and the bestselling author of How to Get Laid Using Your Intuition. Email her HERE with a question, or to set up a Skype or IRL session. You can also check out The Sexual Intuitive® Podcast on iTunes.


    • Yeah, dad’s are forever. This one, unfortunately, will be spending his remaining years as a broken and destroyed household service worker. This article is not about “love” or “progressive thought”. It’s about power and control. It’s about dominion and superiority.

      An act of love would have been to set the husband free at the onset of the boyfriend’s presence. Doesn’t the wife surely want the husband to find the same happiness that she has found? Perhaps she might encourage him to “nest” with one of her college friends. But she won’t do that because then she might lose her most prized trophy. He will also have a hard time courting a woman while his still current wife is upstairs fornicating with a boyfriend in his own house. Not exactly the pinnacle of romance, for an obsolete husband now currently “nesting”.

      And the wife knows that. She likes keeping an emotional prisoner. She is the victor in a war that the husband probably didn’t even know had begun until it was too late.

      We need our child custody laws changed NOW! The courts are the only thing keeping this sadistic shit-show ongoing. Loyal, honorable and capable men are being manipulated and ruined by a judicial myth that women are infallible and must retain custody in nearly every case. These kids will grow up to be just like her.

      You want out of a relationship? BREAK IT OFF!

      • Read it again. You misread. The title is misleading. Woman was immediately honest and immediately separated from husband. Woman never slept with both of them at the same time. Woman was then told “Why couldn’t you lie and cheat like everyone else?” Woman and husband still amicable, kids know parents love each other. You misread maybe because of your own agenda. But thank you for reading.

  1. I would agree with http://lipstickandplaydates.wordpress.com/ -I hope you are correct – and that it all goes smoothly – My ex Fiancé introduced me to her son – and We created a Family for two years and then she changed her mind… And that is Heartbreaking to all involved. that said – Enjoying your writing and glad you’re having a-fun! ;-D

      • That’s what I did. There was no battle. We went to a mediator and worked it out. We co habituated on different parts of the house to ease the transition for 2 years then moved on. Did not leave marriage lightly do not owe anyone an explanation, only important to me that my work is not misread and that in the current climate people can have civil dialogue with each other and even on the Internet.

  2. OMG, I lmao at the ‘because let’s face it ever since those little fuckers were born, it’s been ALL ABOUT THEM.’ Part. I so refer to my kids that way, all In good fun of course but you are so right about that. I too have found myself with both a husband And boyfriend and can relate to you entirely! Especially about being insatiable and having the boyfriend for that reason. It’s a tricky situation to not offend either but I’m constantly having to explain to each their role in my life and how they complentneavhother because of the contrasts between them. Good luck with your situation, I hope it turns out for the best 🙂

    • I need to go back and look at that post. Hubby and I were separated when bf and I started and that’s I’ve now anyway so… Good luck with YOUR situation, you lucky duck! Ex-hubby and I are doing a good job co-parenting though. And if you read my later posts you know I am having plenty of adventures without either:-)

  3. OMG. I have recently found myself a boyfriend. I find that he fills in the gaps that my husband (& the father of my kids) simply cannot and will not fill. I never thought in a million years that I’d have both because I was as faithful as the day is long. But despite me talking to my husband FOR YEARS about what we needed to work on (he had MAJOR anger/depression issues), he didn’t & still doesn’t think anything was/is wrong with us. We’ve gone to counseling but he just went to go through the motions, never intending to work on anything. I’ve decided to stay with my husband until our kids have moved out. I will keep a boyfriend (could be another by then) just to keep my sanity. With my husband knowing my current feelings toward him, he simply does not want a divorce. So, I’m going to cope in the best way that I know how. My boyfriend makes me feel like a sexy woman, NOT like his mother or caretaker.


    • Nanette, much like you, I also found myself in need of more out of my marriage. I have always kept myself in shape ( I can still fit into my wedding dress) and men still hit on me regularly. Then I met a man who has, over time became my close friend and someone who has changed my whole life ! I still love my husband but this wonderful young man has made me so happy. I am 48 and my special friend is 34 but we fit perfectly together. My goal is for both my men to become friends and my husband to accept that it is best for all of us and allow my new man to be in our marriage. I love both of these men and I know that I would be a great wife to both of them. Husband and I have sort of joked about me with another man because of me always wanting sex and him not having much of a sex drive. My new man and I would sleep in the spare bedroom and be discrete when anyone is around. I am thinking my husband would approve and I could be fulfilled and feel like a woman again.

  4. I have a husband and boyfriend as well. I love my husband but I’m no longer in love with him anymore. My husband has no idea I have a boyfriend but having a boyfriend helps fill the void in my. I’m deeply in love with my boyfriend but I stay with my husband because of our son and because we have been together 18 years . Our son will graduate next year and I think then we will officially separate even though we have been together since high school. Somewhere we just lost touch and grew up and grew apart and became different people and now we have nothing in common but the love for our son. We love each other as well but we’re not in love anymore

    • Wow if I could have kept that up I would have. Instead I blew up my whole life partly to be with my boyfriend and then that didn’t work out so… Ex-hubby and I are still friends. I somewhat admire people who can keep up a double life I never could.

      • I’m living a double life now. But I hate it. I’ve told my husband I’m unhappy and I have been for awhile and that I don’t think it will works I just want to move on in my life with my boyfriend who I’ve known as a friend for years. But my husband won’t let me go. He guilt trips me, gets angrier, emotional and sometimes forceful about me not leaving. I just want to be friends and coparent nicely but he doesn’t want none of that if we split. How’d you do it, and any advice?

  5. I’m married for 6years with my best friend. Everything was going very smoothly but one wrong thing was that I never felt to have sex with him because of his huge tummy. He thought that I’m not interested in sex with anybody. So he convinced me to have sex with other guy and it will make me interested in that. I love him spiritually a lot. My husband is my best friend. But now 6 months back I met my boyfriend he loves me wants to marry me. I love him the same way I love my husband. I told my husband that I have a boyfriend too with whom I had an awesome sex. Ha
    But my boyfriend does not know that I’m Imarried. My boyfriend is divorcee

    • Whoa that’s a lot to manage. I’m kind of in awe of you but be careful. If I could have kept up being married and lying I would I have- but I just can’t do it. So I ended up with nobody- at least for the moment- but maybe that’s how it was supposed to work out?

  6. Hi there-

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    Currently, I’m searching for 1 woman who is in a polyamorous relationship with multiple men. I was wondering if you know of anyone who may be interested in being apart of a documentary-style show about their lives. If it’s you, great! I Happy to answer any questions via email or phone.

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  7. This blog post was funny. I enjoyed it. I got engaged to my fiance and the next day a man that I’ve been in love with since childhood contacted me to tell me how disappointed he was and how he had wanted to date me. Sucked big time. I wish I could have a hubby and a boyfriend. Best of luck to you!

    • Thank you! So glad you enjoyed. What’s important is that you look deeply inside yourself and figure out what your needs are. Chances are if friend from childhood contacted you at that particular time, he is interested in you when he knows he can’t have you. If you are honest with yourself and your fiance, I am sure he can learn to meet all your needs – even the ones that attracted you to the other guy. Email me if you have more questions – sexual intuitive at gmail. com.

  8. Me too I have a husband and boyfriend, after 2 years of marriage and no sex, I went back to my old boyfriend but am still married. My husband is a good roommate but I can’t live like that.

  9. Is this still happening? I have a husband of 22 years and a boyfriend of 1.5 years and a serious dilemma, how did this turn out?

    • Carrie,

      Check out the postscript to this post, which is from 2013! This situation was the catalyst to my vocation of the last five years as an intuitive coach for sex, love, and relationships. I became the person I needed most back then and have helped many clients find ways to get their needs met, even when it seems impossible. Check out sexualintuitive.com, and please let me know if you sense that I can help you further. I feel you, my dear. And yes, it all turned out wonderfully. 😉

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