Many of you already know that my marriage ended last year. We were together for fourteen years total, married for twelve, and people used to say we were the most happily married couple they knew. Actually they used to say that we were the ONLY happily married couple they knew, which is scary. For the last three years my husband and I were attached to that idea more than the reality of being together, but I was committed to staying married for the kids’ sake. We tried couples counseling, but the fact was that I changed drastically over the last five years and we were no longer progressing side by side along life’s merry highway, in fact we’d taken a detour, mowed over some safety cones and were on our way to a head-on collision in a tunnel.
Sometimes we are encased in a denial that is like a husk, and something or someone has to come along and smash it. Which brings me to my boyfriend… On Halloween, I was dressed as Marilyn Monroe, and he was dressed as Brett Michaels from Poison, so if you think about it we had to cross the barriers of space, time and good taste to be together. As soon as I met him, my life as I knew it before was over, and suddenly anything was possible. I figured out that I didn’t have to break up my family, that my husband and I could amicably separate, and continue to raise the kids together in the same home. It’s a custody arrangement they call “nesting”; minimal changes for them, no moving around, after all I still love their dad, just more in that way you love your best friend, because you don’t deal with her bullshit every waking second for eternity.
Which is how I came to be in the unusual situation of having both a husband… and a boyfriend. I mean in this day and age of women living longer, men dying sooner and my girlfriends having trouble getting a commitment from one skittish, emotionally immature Los Angelean male, and here’s this Malibu Mom just hogging them all. What a greedy whore, I imagine you thinking. Or maybe that’s what I’m thinking. I know it’s what my mother’s thinking, because she told me. But then she’s been married to the same guy for thirty-nine years so she doesn’t really believe in having options.
Stranger still, next weekend my husband is meeting my boyfriend for the first time and it’s not for a duel at dawn, so nobody will be slapping anybody with a leather glove saying “You have wronged me Sir” they’re just going to Starbucks. They were going for a neutral location, although Starbucks is not really that neutral if you think about it because everyone has a strong opinion about Starbucks. For example my boyfriend hates it because he is a coffee snob, whereas my husband doesn’t drink coffee but loves hanging out there with his laptop sucking back endless cups of Awake Tea. So already you see that I’m retaining way too much information for someone who lost all her Omega 3 brain power when the kids were born.
Maybe you think I’m kinky, because you imagine a threesome in the bathroom at Starbucks (they’ll give those access codes to anyone) but out of my husband and my boyfriend I only have sex with one of them. And I don’t mean one at a time, I mean just one. I stopped having sex with one so I could have sex with the other. Or whatever sex I was having, which was… well we were married so you get the idea.
I’m happy to raise my kids with my husband, because he’s a good dad, but it’s costing me something living with him and raising the little men, as I’d rather be living with my boyfriend whom I don’t have to raise as he’s a grown man, as opposed to my husband who is just kind of an old man. But everything I’ve done has been about how it will impact the kids, because let’s face it ever since those little fuckers were born, it’s been ALL ABOUT THEM.
Also next weekend, the kids are finally meeting my boyfriend, he’s taking us fishing, which should be a lot of fun – for them. I’m so grateful there will be another person to do guy-type things with them, I may not even complain about how cold it is and have we caught anything yet and can we just go eat fish at a restaurant, for which I may not even bring my iPad to consult Yelp.
It can be confusing to have both a husband and a boyfriend. Like sometimes I’m sexting with one and then the other texts to tell me something about the kids and I get worried that I’m going to promise the wrong person a blowjob, even though one of them knows from fourteen years of experience that I’m probably not talking to him.
Turns out having a husband and a boyfriend doesn’t really make you love yourself more or make it easier to deal with life or even make you feel more desirable. It just means including my two sons, I’m dealing with more testosterone than any women should. Especially when some days, unbeknownst to each other, both my husband and my boyfriend have their period on the same day. The fact is that my bottomless pit of insatiable need continues, only now it’s my boyfriend’s unenviable task to try and fill it.
So that’s how I ended up with a temporarily still my husband and a maybe one day become my husband boyfriend. I know some of you will be envious because you think I’m “having it all” but trust me when they invented that expression they were talking about being able to wear flats at the office. If I were really having it all I would have a husband to help with the kids, a boyfriend for a passionate adventure, a wife to cook and clean, a girlfriend when I have PMS and an assistant to pay my bills. Wouldn’t it be funny if my husband and my boyfriend meet each other at Starbucks and fell madly in love? Karma would be more than a bitch then, she’d be a really greedy whore.This lighthearted post from January 2013 is still one of my most read and commented on, as well as twisted, misread, and misconstrued, but that’s the Internet for ya. You see, my ex-husband and I cohabitated for a few years after the divorce, to make the transition easier for the kids, but at no time were we still together, or even pretending to be for the sake of the children. I am currently in an incredible relationship (with neither of the people mentioned here), co-parent peacefully and productively with the father of my children, and am able to use my experience to coach people as a Sexual Intuitive®. If you have a situation that seems untenable- a conundrum of getting your needs met vs. destroying your life and the lives of others- you may email me here. I am confident that I can help, as saving my own life enabled me to help others do the same!