Yes, but not with each other. And in many cases not even with themselves. It seems that when a couple’s sexuality is not being explored, it is put away with all sexuality into a Pandora’s Box the contents of which are too frightening to open, even alone. In truth, I am having lots and lots of… conversations with my mom friends about sex and here is what my informal (and completely unscientific) research has uncovered.
1. The happy (or happier) couples I know are still having sex. Like quite a lot of it. (And by “a lot” I mean by married people with kids standards “a lot” which is more than twice a week.) Yes they would sometimes rather take a nap, but continuing chemistry is an important component to a healthy marriage. Sex can temporarily fix all kinds of challenges (dishes in the sink, late mortgage payments, yelling) and yet it is rarely discussed.
*Full Disclosure: Since in Malibu many people are close to affluent, it seems incredible that anyone who has that many nannies could be tired from parenting. However the parents I associate with are staunchly hands on. The “richies” are hellishly tired from giving orders.
2. Some people are not having sex. Like at all. Those people are not happy in their marriages. I wonder several things about this:
A. Did they know when it was going to be the last time?
B. How on earth is anyone ever going to initiate that first sexual act back?
C. Did someone get shut down at some point and then give up on initiating?
D. How does anyone live completely without sex?
(I don’t pretend to have the answers, I’m just posing the questions. You come up with some answers. Go on, let’s start a conversation here.)
3. Those who are not having sex with each other, are not having sex with themselves, nor with anyone outside of the marriage. Unfortunately this crack reporter didn’t uncover any extra-marital affairs, though Jewish Jesus knows I tried to make my questions as intrusive as possible.
4. Get your fucking kids out of your bed! If you ever want to have sex again. I get it, you love your kid, you want them to feel safe and secure, you read a book about non-GMO corn and its relation to co-sleeping, however you cannot fuck your spouse properly with a G.D. child in the bed. Period. I mean my eight-year old proposed to me last night, but I’m fairly sure that doesn’t qualify him to join a threesome with his dad. (If I were still having sex with him.)
5. The separated, divorced and single people I know are having tons of sex, if not with someone else, then certainly with some manner of electronic implement, and quite happy about it.
So that is all I have uncovered so far, in my intrepid quest to understand what keeps people together, as well as what drives them apart. I always used to think of myself as an expert on relationships, as I had a healthy, loving marriage for many years. However now that that is no longer the case, I see that the true experts are the ones who have made plenty of mistakes and lived to tell about them. A guy had been divorced seven times? I want to hear what he has to say, Damn it, because gosh darn it if his eighth wife may not be the one with whom he gets it right.
Preferably, you people would make the mistakes, and I would learn from them, but now that I have my own failure to make it work under my belt, I am dying to hear about yours. So go on, weigh in semi-anonymously. Are ya doin’ it? If so, when? And for how long? And do your moans wake the children? If so, do you tell them they are just coyotes and to go the fuck back to sleep? Think of this as a Public Service Announcement to discuss things that which remains un-talked about in our Puritanical culture, so this is your chance to do something good for humanity! I await your comments breathlessly. (I will leave you to imagine why I am so short of breath…)