Are Married People Having Sex?

Yes, but not with each other. And in many cases not even with themselves. It seems that when a couple’s sexuality is not being explored, it is put away with all sexuality into a Pandora’s Box the contents of which are too frightening to open, even alone. In truth, I am having lots and lots of… conversations with my mom friends about sex and here is what my informal (and completely unscientific) research has uncovered.

1. The happy (or happier) couples I know are still having sex. Like quite a lot of it. (And by “a lot” I mean by married people with kids standards “a lot” which is more than twice a week.) Yes they would sometimes rather take a nap, but continuing chemistry is an important component to a healthy marriage. Sex can temporarily fix all kinds of challenges (dishes in the sink, late mortgage payments, yelling) and yet it is rarely discussed.
*Full Disclosure: Since in Malibu many people are close to affluent, it seems incredible that anyone who has that many nannies could be tired from parenting. However the parents I associate with are staunchly hands on. The “richies” are hellishly tired from giving orders.

2. Some people are not having sex. Like at all. Those people are not happy in their marriages. I wonder several things about this:
A. Did they know when it was going to be the last time?
B. How on earth is anyone ever going to initiate that first sexual act back?
C. Did someone get shut down at some point and then give up on initiating?
D. How does anyone live completely without sex?
(I don’t pretend to have the answers, I’m just posing the questions. You come up with some answers. Go on, let’s start a conversation here.)

3. Those who are not having sex with each other, are not having sex with themselves, nor with anyone outside of the marriage. Unfortunately this crack reporter didn’t uncover any extra-marital affairs, though Jewish Jesus knows I tried to make my questions as intrusive as possible.

4. Get your fucking kids out of your bed! If you ever want to have sex again. I get it, you love your kid, you want them to feel safe and secure, you read a book about non-GMO corn and its relation to co-sleeping, however you cannot fuck your spouse properly with a G.D. child in the bed. Period. I mean my eight-year old proposed to me last night, but I’m fairly sure that doesn’t qualify him to join a threesome with his dad. (If I were still having sex with him.)

5. The separated, divorced and single people I know are having tons of sex, if not with someone else, then certainly with some manner of electronic implement, and quite happy about it.

So that is all I have uncovered so far, in my intrepid quest to understand what keeps people together, as well as what drives them apart. I always used to think of myself as an expert on relationships, as I had a healthy, loving marriage for many years. However now that that is no longer the case, I see that the true experts are the ones who have made plenty of mistakes and lived to tell about them. A guy had been divorced seven times? I want to hear what he has to say, Damn it, because gosh darn it if his eighth wife may not be the one with whom he gets it right.

Preferably, you people would make the mistakes, and I would learn from them, but now that I have my own failure to make it work under my belt, I am dying to hear about yours. So go on, weigh in semi-anonymously. Are ya doin’ it? If so, when? And for how long? And do your moans wake the children? If so, do you tell them they are just coyotes and to go the fuck back to sleep? Think of this as a Public Service Announcement to discuss things that which remains un-talked about in our Puritanical culture, so this is your chance to do something good for humanity! I await your comments breathlessly. (I will leave you to imagine why I am so short of breath…)

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Something is wrong with this picture.

19 comments

  1. Awesome article as always Malibu Mom! I am having sex with my husband but I am afraid I don’t count, we’ve only been married two months! I’ll let you know how it goes, but I’ll tell you, if we stop doing the horizontal tango, I will divorce him so fast, it will make some part of his body spin, just so we can get jiggy together again!

  2. My Husband and I are going on 14 years of marriage … We have sex at least 4 times a week … Hubby had open heart surgery on January 4th so it has been just oral since Hey at least Hubby is still chasing me around the bedroom

  3. I’ve figured it out. It’s not the women that cause these sexless relationships, it’s the men. I would love to have more sex, but i don’t like initiating anymore because I get shut down. He’s not in the mood when he’s tired, sick, grumpy, on his man period, or random other times. When he wants to, it’s a couple times a day. And actually, most of the women i work with have said they have the same problem..

      • Is it bad mojo if a person-with-penis replies here? The wife and I have been married for 12 years, and when the children allow it, we manage to eek out sex once or twice a month. I know, pathetic. But, my wife has stage 4 endo, which can be a right bitch to all things fun, so I give her a pass. Me and the internet take things into our own hands most other days and that keeps me from wondering out of the yard.

        So there ya go. I’m an actual mid-life guy with a libido that isn’t a cheater. Do I get a prize?

        PS – found you on the Mental Health Happy Hour podcast and totally related. I still want to be a rockstar after 30 years, but got two kids instead. Oops. 🙂

      • I love persons with penis! Many read this blog, but some secretly… Yes you get a prize for not cheating. I’m very proud of you. Sorry about your wife’s condition, that really sucks! The Rockstar dream doesn’t have to die, I’m trying to keep mine alive right here. With varying degrees of success. Good luck to you… and to your hand 😉

  4. Susanna,
    I just heard you on the Lora Somoza podcast and found my way here. Love the site and the articles I’ve read so far. Reading this post really hit home and seeing the comment from Chadman let me know that even a guy can post here.

    I feel like the poster child for your item #2. Married 33 years. Kids grown. Empty nest. Should be living the sexual good life. Unfortunately, like Chadman my wife has medical issues that luckily are controlled at this point but the meds kill anything left of her libido. That coupled with a complete hysterectomy and hormone issues is a bad combination. We will go months with no sex. This directly speaks to your item B, “How on earth is anyone ever going to initiate that first sexual act back?”. It is really hard because you want to have sex but your not in the grove and you know in the back of your mind it will be months again. There is absolutely no thought of initiating on my part because of this. Too many times shot down. I guess because of the chemicals she doesn’t even have a realization that so much time has past. To her credit, when things do click and all the biology and chemistry is in our favor we have some rocking good times. Maybe even get into the 4’s on your number scale.

    Like Chadman I give her a pass but as the weeks turn to months it is so very hard. Luckily with the internet and podcasts I can keep myself educated and somewhat satisfied on my own.

    Thanks for your work.

  5. i think if a man can not or will not have sex with his wife because he is tried pleace for gods let her go out find a hot stud to fuck her to death a happy wife is a great wife . so when wife want some let her go it is 2014 you know.

  6. Great article!.. I’ve been married 10, soon to be 11 years ! And I’m also one of those guys that will never cheat!… Just can’t do it! Even with a crazy drive!… Although some back problems put a damper on it for a bit, we usually do once a day to about 5x a week… And we have 4 kids under 11… Gota get creative!(sonetimes I wonder how much size matters to avg women, and how much men arnt good at sex…i won’t brag, but my wife is VERY happy lol)… Honestly, despite being extremely horny I only slept with my wife….and gotten LOTS of head from her! Only other thing I done that’s freaky is letting my wife suck off two guys..me and another guy (that couldn’t finish. Haha).. Obviously I had a few drinks and did it for her… And like in a uranal I kept my eyes to myself lol… She promises me she will find a trustworthy willing woman to return the 3 some favor…lucky me!… See why Id never cheat?! Lol

    • You sounds healthy and liberated. Non monogamy is great for some, but figuring out how to get everything you need from one person (and the occasional third) is a great and worthy achievement. It is possible! Thanks for sharing, special kudos for getting laid despite all those kids…

      • Thanks for the reply!!!…. I like to think me and my wife are a bit unusual (perhaps me moreso..as I was a dork in H.S. And didn’t get much action), and I figure I must be good at sex and well equipped for it (although I think even average guys can do extremely well IF they truly put some passion into it!… It ain’t all about only YOU getting off guys!), my wife is and always has been a horny girl/woman (her mom had her brother at 15!… Wonder where it comes from lol), and is quite ‘experienced’ and says with honesty im the best yet/ever!(hello ego massage..lol)…. Shortly after we met, and talked a while, she gave me a blowjob! Hadnt kissed me yet, but telling a once dorky teenager guy that is BETTER than winning the lottery! We both instantly fell in love!…. Like I said… A bit odd! Lol

  7. I love a lifelong partnership that can start from a great blowjob! Women underestimate how useful a skill this is, never mind how wonderfully enjoyable. You seem like the kind of guy that should gather the other guys around the campfire and school them a little on the ladies. (Also the propensity to casually mention that you are well endowed should come in handy 😉 I enjoy it when another person without sexual hang-ups finds this blog, because I truly feel our mission in life is to help others. This is how I realized I am a Sexual Intuitive. Look it up 😉

    • I agree! Many women whole heartedly underestimate blowjobs!… Heck, some seem downright scared of them, or have a attitude that they ‘don’t need to do that’ (while the babysitter or whoever is likely sucking off their husbands lol), or sadly put NO effort in it!…. I gladly give my wife oral and regularly read up on it to do my best!…. As far as bragging..well, bad habit I suppose…. But it’s basically one of the very few areas or things about me that I clearly stand out in….was a 165 lb skinny 6’3″ dorky guy in H.S., and aside from my legs and back, couldn’t gain much muscle mass, and was sexually ignorant back then… So making up for lost time!… And at least I look somewhat better with age!(that super fast metabolism would be nice to have now though!… Id love to burn off 30-40lbs!)…. And I do too try to educate people…sex don’t need to be defined and restricted! Study up on the aspects that interest you, and maintain good health…things like zinc help guys, 4mg lost when you blow a load!( I don’t take it every day, about every other day…and holy crap! My poor wife! I end up cuming a whole LOT! Which feels even better!). All the best!

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