I gave having kids no thought whatsoever. I was like, “I love babies. They’re so cute. Can I get one, with a side of arugula?” Just no idea. Casually decided to have kids like I was ordering a latte, “Yeah I’ll have a mochaccino and can you add a Grande soy baby?”
I had this fantasy of having a natural birth. Which is interesting because I cry over a splinter. (It hurts, you guys.)
I thought I could be like those saggy-titted matriarchs who would squat in the fields, push out the baby, clamp it on their boob and then just go right on picking bushels of spelt.
But then I found out that instead of being “head down” for a correct delivery, my son was standing upright in the prayer position, asking G-d to give him a different parent.
So I had to have a C-section and just so you know, women lie about them. Everyone’s like, “It was easy I was out of there the next day.” Yeah it was a real breeze. First they stick a needle the length of an iguana into your spine. Then you can’t walk for 6 weeks, it’s terrific! Your baby’s feeling sorry for you, “Oh look, my mommy is physically challenged.” Because even a baby knows you don’t say “retarded.”
I hate when women say, “When my baby was born it was the greatest moment of my life.” Really? Then why are you still alive, you and your baby should have just done a suicide pact and quit while you were ahead. It’s like people who peaked in high school, stop drinking the Kool Aid, moveon.org.
My kids are 8 and 9 now and you could fill a book with what “they” say about parenting that is not remotely true, but I will quote five examples here:
1. “Summer’s here, kids will be home from school, I can’t wait to get more time with them.”
Yes I can’t wait till my kids stay home to humiliate, degrade and torture me. I know you’re thinking, “Susanna these are your children, not Fifty Shades of Gray.” However, having your kids full-time is like BDSM without the safe word.
2. “Oh your kids will look after you when you’re old.”
I wouldn’t count on it. My kid won’t even get me a glass of water, I can’t see him rushing to change my adult diapers.
3. “On your deathbed, your kids will be there, and it will be beautiful.”
Yeah they’ll probably say the wrong thing. Right as I’m slipping away one of them will be like, “Remember when you left Daddy, that really hurt my feelings, and I’ve never forgiven you – Psyche!”
4. “You should treasure it because it goes so fast.”
Anyone who says this has never endured an entire season of kids’ sports. We just finished Little League Season – it went on for what seemed like five years. Three times practicing a week, plus a game, we won the Championship, which was incredible for a competitive parent as myself, but those are also hours of my life watching your children that I will never get back. I’m sitting on that hard bench my butt’s killing me, and I’m going gray just staring at the mound waiting for this seven-year-old mouth breather to pitch.
5. “Oh but having kids is so rewarding.”
There are lots of things in life that are rewarding. Juicing is rewarding. Giving head, ultimately, is rewarding. Of course getting head is more rewarding. Having kids? Maybe kids in Afghanistan are grateful for all the sacrifice, but not these Nike wearing, X Box playing, iPad hogging, Millennial trolls.