We told the kids about the birds and the bees and it had nothing to do with apiaries. The kid forced my hand when he casually dropped this bomb after breakfast, “Mommy will you have sex with me?”
A quick conference with daddy and we knew it was time to spill the truth. We adjourned to the couch where as usual they tumbled over each other like baby bears. I sat a reasonable distance from their father so that they understood that we weren’t getting back together.
“Tell what you think having sex is,” we began, optimistically.
“Making a baby,” one said.
“Kissing,” said the other.
“Well,” I began. “Remember how I told you that the man’s seed fertilizes a woman’s egg and makes a baby? Well that seed is called sperm and…”
At this point one of my kids starts saying “sperm” over and over again, injecting it randomly into the remainder of the conversation.
Or should I say ejaculating it?
“Well the way it gets to the egg is through the mans penis, which gets hard and goes into the woman’s vagina once it gets wet.”
“Really???” The other kid looks doubtful.
“Sperm!!!” Joyfully proclaims his brother.
“Wait- so you humped daddy???” asks the first, jumping ahead. Somebody has clearly gotten here ahead of us.
“Um yes.” Though not enough, I want to add, but don’t. Now mommy’s getting a lot more humping, yay, aren’t you happy for m…?
“Ew,” he interrupts my reverie. “Ew you humped daddy.” They are still scampering all over each other like bunnies. Boys never sit still.
“I like sperm,” shouts the other kid triumphantly.
“That’s gay,” his brother shoots back. “Mommy what’s gay?”
“It’s when boys like boys, and girls like girls and then they have sex…”
Their father, hitherto leaving things to me gives me the universal signal for, “Please don’t tell our kids about anal.”
A few days later I’m driving a kid to camp and he says, “Mommy what does the “f” word actually mean?”
“It means have sex,” I reply trying not to veer into a tree, “but people also use it for emphasis.”
“Really???” my elementary schooler seems incredulous again, as if I have made it a habit of giving him wrong information. “Cool. I figured I should know that sometime before I get to college.”
Indeed. Sigh. Okay.