5:20 a.m. Woken up by barking dogs. For no reason. Woeful lack of firearms.

6:43 a.m. Child randomly wanders in like it’s lost.

6:44 Beg for lost child’s humanity to let me sleep until 7.

7:00 Child wanders in to charge its phone.

7:02 Wonder why child has phone. He’s 8.

7:05 Other child complains about not accessing iTunes on TV.

7:12 Realization that children have already raided cinnamon crunch box, so breakfast.

7:24 Still whining about iTunes.

7:30 Begin pleading with kids to put on shoes.

7:44 Shoes still not on. Warning that I’m about to lose temper.

7:45 Lose temper. Brief yelling, followed by guilt.

7:55 Dogs herded into house, children into car.

8:10 First child dropped at camp (on time and with packed lunch.)

8:55 Second child walked into camp (also with Martha Stewart style lunch.)
Child wonders what to do as he has never been early before.

9:15 Arrive at coffee shop in crunch hippie area of LA called Topanga Canyon.

9:20 Begin using coffee to wash down psychotropic medication and antibiotic.

9:30 Start writing this timeline, wondering if infected naval piercing that recently re-pierced in latest evidence of mid-life crisis is responding to antibiotic.

10:44 After much procrastinating (coffee really needs to be shot intravenously) finish timeline. Post online. Try hard to feel sense of accomplishment.

Fin.