How To Survive A Breakup

1. Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not collect whatever $ you were making at your job that day, and prepare to marinate in suffering.
2. Netflix – an entire season of Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones or anything else that will take your attention in between crying jags.
3. Delete their texts, emails and photos in your phone so you don’t have to see them even accidentally. Do not contact your ex, or respond if the ex contacts you, responding will just start the cravings again, just when you were starting to be okay about never seeing his cat again.
4. Do not get any tattoos, it may be tempting, but whatever you choose will remind you of this shitty moment, and not in an empowering way.
5. Line up the next person you’re going to fuck, but DON’T FUCK THEM YET. Wait till your heart is at least mended enough to get through a day without crying about the way your ex used to stroke your hair. Then you can fully enjoy fucking the new person without either getting too attached to them, or collapsing in a pile of snot because having sex with them reminds you that they’re not your ex.
6. Keep a towel in your car to wipe your eyes and nose for sobbing behind the wheel.
7. Once you’ve managed to have a shower, (don’t go more than a week, but don’t rush into it either) make yourself look as attractive as possible (guys you’re shit out of luck with this, I don’t know wear a nice shirt?) to remind yourself that it’s only a matter of time before someone better comes along.
8. Write a list of things wrong with your ex and add to it daily. Don’t worry if half the stuff on there is made up, all that’s important is that you believe it at the time and that it way outweighs your PRO list.
9. Tell every single person you run into, strangers included, that you’re going through a break-up. There is no reason to go through this alone. You will get as much sympathy as if you had cancer (without the cancer.)
10. Reach out to your friends, they will be all too happy to support you, either to remind themselves how grateful they are that they’re happily in love, or that they have someone to join them in misery. Either way, it’s a win.
A part of you may feel like it’s not really over, and maybe it’s not. You may be ready to hook up again as fuck-buddies some time in the future, but you can’t think about that now. It’s your job to dislodge the metal hook of attachment that they’ve buried in your heart, without leaving a jagged, bleeding hole. Good luck.
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14 comments

  1. Love it! I went through most of these pointers myself after the worst break-up of my life. I’m still adding to that list of faults seven years later 🙂 my immediate reaction was to book a three month solo trip through Asia, but sadly that’s not an option for everyone, I know. It was well worth it though.

  2. My whole blog began as a way to survive my break up and three years on I am still blogging about the fuckwit. Not sure if that means it worked or not 🙂

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