Can You Be A Slut And A Mom?

I remember the first time I was called a slut. I had been sleeping around a group of friends at our “brother” high school, including the boy with whom I lost my virginity, and the “body count” was piling up faster than a John Wayne Gacy biopic. I was fifteen, horny and thrilled to finally be getting male attention. They liked me they really liked me. Once they slept with me, they didn’t seem to like me as much, but I was remarkably unfazed by this. Ah teenage love… One fine day another kid from the aforementioned boys’ high school came up to me at the train station. He had light red hair and I thought he liked me so I talked to him, although he had kind of a weird vibe. Apropos of nothing, he said, “Why are you such a slut?”

I walked away, my heart pounding in humiliation, but resolute I wasn’t going to let him see me sweat. Even then I wondered why there wasn’t a word for a promiscuous boy? Calling a boy “Casanova,” “Don Juan,” or even “man whore” just didn’t seem insulting enough. The Sluts at my school and I were having a competition to add notches to the bedpost, even collecting ties from boys from the other school, and yet other girls would label them disparagingly. Where was the female James Bond, with a dude ready to roll around the sheets with in every port?

My career as a Slut progressed impressively, mildly impeded by being married for twelve years, in a relationship for fourteen. I was in the middle of bedding the strange and wonderful world of New York City men in my early twenties, when I met my ex-husband, and instantly knew we would get married, have kids; the whole works as we would say if we were ordering our relationship on a sandwich.

Throughout the fourteen years of my relationship with my husband I was 99.9% monogamous (except that one time at a yoga retreat in Oregon, but I confessed right afterwards.) The least I felt I owed my husband was to report my occasional platonic crushes on other people, male and female, the mere act of communicating them negating the dramatic experience of having a secret crush. As our marriage became more strained however, these crushes became much more like what the Internet would call “emotional affairs” but still not consummated (except that one guy who kissed me in a parking lot and I kissed him back, not in Oregon. But that’s it I swear.)

During the marriage, and as a mother of two small children, I saw myself as an ex-slut: someone who still loved sex, but had systematically negated its importance in my life. By the time I emerged from the marital cocoon, I was ready to take back the term and be the slutty butterfly I was always supposed to become. As a woman in my late thirties, I found that true to the old homily I was indeed at my sexual peak, with no shortage of suitors, in an age range I had not even considered when married. Apparently that whole MILF thing is really a thing, and there are plenty of guys who are excited by women who are confident in our own bodies, in a way we hadn’t been in our twenties when all the bits still had their media-approved perkiness.

I am a mother first. Also I am an artist- writer, actor, film-maker, comedian etc. I’m a friend, a daughter, and a person with many interests and personality “quirks.” I am also having the best sex of my life with other single people who want to have the best sex of their lives, but I’m not going to pretend that sometimes it doesn’t get emotionally messy.

As my views on sex have become more liberated, I have also found that the chemicals released when you sleep with someone (Oxytocin, Dopamine, Adrenaline) and their subsequent withdrawal, have been a great vehicle to understand more about myself and my expectations. What am I looking for exactly? Am I trying to fill my emptiness through another person? In order to be a truly self-actualized, ethical slut it is necessary to come from a place of wholeness—nothing is missing from my life—I simply want this sexual experience because I was lucky enough to be given a life to live and a body that functions perfectly. I am hereby taking back the word “slut,” just as female rappers have taken back the word “bitch.” I am a Slut. And loving it.

So the answer to the question: “Can a woman be a slut and a mom?” is “Yes. But not at the same time.”

9 comments

  1. Im what a lot of people might think of as a “slut”, though, like you, I took a nice long break for marriage and monogamy. I was married 13 years and monogamous for 13 (the first two years while dating and until consummating an affair on my 11th Anniversary).

    In any case I really enjoy being single and having my fun. Yet i am most definitely a mom, first and foremost. I have 5 children and they take up the majority of my time and energy. However, i see nothing wrong with my “mommy time” while they are with their dad consisting of recreational sex! That’s what i do (and what write about).

    Though when i was younger people sometimes called me a slut, now I’ve given them an alternative moniker, “swinger” lol. 😉 Being a single swinger female is quite the adventure. Not that i limit myself to swinging. Im not above meeting men off Craigslist either.

    I do think it’s important to keep the kids separate from my play life. I try to keep men away from them for the most part. If they do meet my “friends” that’s what they are called or they hear that i am going on dates or to parties. Im sure at some point, if he hasn’t already, my 13 year old will realize this isn’t all platonic, but honestly i think that’s ok. I dont want him growing up to be the kind of guy that thinks of women who enjoy themselves as negative “sluts”.

    • It’s great to hear from you again!! I’ve certainly enjoyed reading about your various adventures. It seems to be some kind of taboo talking about sex and motherhood in the same breath (or even in adjoining breaths) so it’s good to know other ladies are walking (lying down on) the same path:-)

    • my parents did what you did around when i was 13. That age is too young to deal with such things, or at least was for me. I caught on very fast and it had a rather negative effect on me for years, some still lingering. I’m 25 now. I know the daughter of one of the couples they were swinging with, and she is VERY damaged. I know its been almost a year since your post but I would think long and hard about the whole situation.

      • Re read the post. I’m not married anymore. I can do whatever I want on my own time I’m a grown woman, and so can your parents if they’re not having sex on the dining room table or flaunting it in front of you, which I never have with my kids. I urge you to seek some counseling- 25 is too old to continue to believe that your parents’ sexual preferences have anything to do with you. Thanks for sharing though.

  2. […] Then I heard the dogs barking. In a flash, I realized that my ex-hubby had not gotten that last text about how I was masturbating (I do it for you, people) and would he give me a heads up if he and the kids were on the way. Moments later my kid bursts in, still in Basketball uniform from the day’s game, but fortunately I have years of experience covering my tracks as a slutty teen. […]

  3. […] not supposed to allow myself an erotically disturbed state, even one that makes me a demonstrably better parent. In my opinion and experience though, sometimes you have to allow life to shake your shit up. Much […]

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