How To Date A MILF

1. Don’t say “I like older women” even if you’re considerably younger than your date. Whenever someone says that to me, I look around to see if Rue McLanahan is nearby. Well, she’s dead, but you get the idea. I am not Maude, either from the eponymous TV show or the movie “Harold and Maude.” (Also, don’t call me ma’am.)

2. Don’t assume that since I’m attractive I don’t deserve to be told. The media bombards us daily with images of 16 year old skinny girls as a beauty ideal, and even they apparently need Photoshop. I may know I’m hot, but I still have bulgy bits and without make up can appear like my purple eyeliner didn’t come off from the night before. Words are how we make each other feel special, and believe me a real MILF will have no shortage of heartfelt compliments for you if she’s interested.

3. Understand that while I don’t live for my kids, right now they have to be my top time and energy commitment. I also want to be able to text you when I hate them, so that we can LOLz. If you have kids, it will be ditto and ditto. However when we are together, I want your full attention and I will give you mine. If word comes that one of our kids is lying prone under a dirt bike, I’m sure we will be able to shift priorities quickly.

4. Work on your shit. You want the mad skillz of the horny divorcee, you need to be emotionally open enough for true intimacy. Emotional bagage is not sexy. Though many of my hot single mom friends are content to have fucktoys on the side, and they require nothing from those people but a hard penis, and a fast ability to put their pants back on and find the front door, I on the other hand, want a strong emotional connection with the person I’m fucking. If you’re skittish about those pesky emotion thingys, I’m not the MILF for you. (But I might know someone.)

5. If you’re going to fuck a fuckable mom, please make her the only mom you want to fuck. (Pretty sure those are the most fucks that have ever been in one sentence.) I know us MILFs run in packs, but please don’t embarrass me by hitting on my friends, and I promise I won’t hit on yours. Or your boss. Or your grown kids. I ain’t Demi Moore.

6. I like talking about my kids. Not all the time, and not during foreplay, but parenting is a lot to process. If you appear disinterested, I’m going to assume that you are disinterested in my DNA, which means you are disinterested in me at a cellular level. And sure you can meet my kids, right after I’ve looked you up on FBI.gov, MegansLaw.ca, and TMZ.

7. Finally, be wild, creative and spontaneous in the sack. Not for nothin’ a woman has lived a little and knows how to multiple orgasm while standing on her head (but that’s another blog.) I am not looking for someone to just drink tea with, although I know some of my MILF friends given the choice, would definitely eschew 50 Shades of Grey for Earl Grey.

I hope this guide has been helpful. Of course this is not one MILF fits all, so please share your thoughts and experiences either as one, dating or married to one below…

20140109-125146.jpg
See? Bulgy bit.

8 comments

  1. Love this you sexy MILF minx. Yes not one size fits all for us, but I’d have to second your comments…I also think we need a new term as MILF is soooo 2012.

  2. Susanna,
    Fantastic post. Thank you for throwing some wonderful humor in. A friend posted your entry on Facebook via Twitter. I was hoping it would be creative and not jaded, and I am glad that it was indeed the case. Now I am curious to read some of your other blog posts. Beautiful pic, Susanna. Keep on bloggin’!

    ~Christopher

  3. SO I have made the connection… Daisy McCrackin shared this on FB. I saw her in your “Earth Mom” short film on The Mother Show—very funny shorts, by the way, Susanna.

    ~Chris

    • Chris thanks so much for all the comments and for following! I appreciate the props on both my writing and shorts. It makes all the misery TOTALLY worth it. 🙂 (Not really, but at least people can be entertained.) Please keep in touch, and even let me know other topics you would like to see me write about.

  4. I would rather spend time with a woman like you than any of those stick insects who seem to think. They are the most beautiful things around. As for your “Bulgy” bits, I am still trying to see them in the picture, Al I see is a very sexy woman.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s