You Know Your Marriage Is Over If

1. You can’t stand to hear the other person chew. Anything- crunchy, juicy or soft- the sound of their mouth in connection with food renders you unable to eat.

2. You don’t want them to touch you. If you brush against them accidentally that’s ok, if you hug them it might still feel relatively pleasant, but their actual hands grasping for you seem either too soft, too hard, too cloying, or on the one part of your body you don’t want touched right now.

3. You have a sinking feeling on date night. Remember how you used to look forward to time alone? Well now you wish there were other people as a buffer- kids, another couple, a very loud football game. (And you hate football.)

4. You don’t fuck at all, or much. No one knows who started it, or whose fault it is, but you’re having the Mexican stand-off of fucking. The more time goes on, the harder it is to imagine reaching across the vast expanse of sheet and trying to get some. You can’t even remember when that sheet space between you became a vast chasm of disappointment…

5. You speak to your “partner” with contempt. By the end of my marriage, I was more courteous to baristas, than my husband. Only when we got separated did I start modulating my tone away from shrieking harpie, and closer to somewhat gracious customer requesting a latte.

6. Your kids tell you not to speak badly of the other parent. My then seven-year-old once said “When you talk about daddy that way it makes me uncomfowtable.”

7. You notice you want to die. You’re not suicidal per se, but you’ll be randomly walking down the street and think, “You know if I fell and hit my head and died right now, that would be okay.”

Fair warning- unless you do the work it takes to make yourself happy without a mate, these symptoms could persist until well after the divorce is finalized. Remember, there is no mediator to go to if the sound of you eating annoys yourself…

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