I know what you’re thinking- that’s easy for you to say. You’re a good looking blah blah blah. But believe me when I tell you, there have been those that, when faced with my willing half- or fully-naked frame, found themselves unable or unwilling to perform the deed (or deeds.) Sexy is a state of mind, and there are times when the other person ain’t feelin’ it, no matter how hot you look in your new Victoria’s Secret Limited Edition Cirque De Soleil Teddy Set, as you lie there and mentally wonder if you can still return it.
And how about “spicing it up”? What if you have a hankering for cayenne, while your partner is more into turmeric? How to know not to over-salt? Can you just add Spike to everything and call it a day? What if you married an old fashioned kind of parsley-sage-rosemary-and-thyme type, while with time you’ve become more and more cumin? Don’t ask me, I’m a shitty cook…
But I have learned a thing or two about ingredients for a ménage a deux, though most of them through failure. As they say, those who can’t do- teach, and though I don’t like to think I’m a lousy lay, sometimes I would have had better luck with necromancy, and more fun with necrophilia.
So here are my tips for improving your sex life:
1. Have more sex- with yourself. How do you expect someone else to please you, if you don’t know what you like? Get a mirror, get down there and get familiar, “I know it as well as the back of my labia” should be your new mantra.
2. Make time. Yes, date night is important, but rather than yet another dinner reservation, how about date night in. Try scheduling a rotating kid sleepover roster so at least on any given weekend, someone’s parents are getting laid. Order pizza, get naked, and don’t come anywhere but all over each other. (It’s cheaper than dinner too.)
3. Don’t scream at each other. That whole fight then fuck thing might be a ton of fun when you’re sixteen, but it gets old fast. If people don’t feel safe in a relationship without getting yelled at, how are they going to communicate about a subject already saddled with so much trepidation? Go to therapy, smoke some weed or do anger management- or don’t be surprised if when things are about to get down and dirty, your partner seems a little tense.
4. Get down and dirty- leave politics out of the bedroom. So you’re a power woman, but secretly you want to be dominated, and called a slut. It’s okay, Germaine Greer will not materialize in your bedroom to arrest you. You’re a masculine man that likes more than a finger in the ass- cool, tell your lady she won’t be mad at ya. Only a real man let’s himself gets pegged…
5. Leave your OCD out of bed. I get it- you check the stove fifteen times before you leave the house, won’t step on cracks and lick light switches, but they have medication for that… Not to joke about a serious disorder, which is not nearly as cute as they make it seem on “Monk,” but if you simply have a standard non-European puritanical “ew” reaction to bodily fluids you’re going to have to work on that. Wash everything, and chill. There are way more germs on your iPhone than a pussy. (New from Mac- the iPussy.)
6. Hit up a sex shop and unleash your inner whatever. Don’t worry, you won’t accidentally leave with a ball-gag and a gimp suit (unless you want them, in which case- aisle 3.)
7. If you are lucky to be having sex with someone other than yourself, treasure them. Life by nature is impermanent, and you never know when you may find yourself, by choice or necessity, without someone to share your love with. In that case, remember to treasure yourself, solo sex is a gift, we who have bodies that work are lucky motherfuckers- so don’t take you for granted!