Meet My New Boyfriend

Post-Coital Selfie
Post-Coital Selfie

His name is Zwei and he’s from Germany, so I expected there to be a cultural difference, me being a Jew and all. Also most of the other toys I’ve dated have been from China. Not so. You see, unlike other toys Zwei does not just vibrate, he pulses, but in reality he THRUSTS. That’s right, dear friends, the day has come when science has finally gotten its shit together to make a toy that actually fucks you.

The relationship started off a little rocky, when Zwei proved tricky to charge. It’s essential that both magnets on the charger are affixed to his magnets and the red light has to be on, not only on the battery charger, but on the back of the Fun Factory plug. Last night when he didn’t charge, I cried with disappointment. But this show of emotion didn’t bother Zwei; he didn’t even accuse me of being dramatic!

The other amazing thing is that Zwei is designed primarily for anal use (hence the flared base) but he is just as good vaginally. That’s right, ladies, I finally turned someone! Before I knew it, I was talking dirty to him. Of course he couldn’t talk back, because his mouth was full. Also he’s not much for kissing, but Zwei has some stamina-he went for at least an hour, not that I was keeping time.

Zwei was so intuitive, when he started to get a little rough, just a tiny push of a button made him all rhythmic and steady again. He didn’t even mind that I needed some clitoral stimulation in addition to him, because he has no ego. Zwei wasn’t offended when I fell asleep right afterwards, and even when I woke up half an hour later to pee he wasn’t mad that I’d woken him (he was up anyway, he’s always up) and when I got an apple, he didn’t judge me for eating at night.

I explained to Zwei that over the next week I’m going to be seeing other toys, but he understood that it’s just work and doesn’t mean anything. He knows after the week is done, I will take him out often, and that from now on the kids’ bedtimes will be a breeze, knowing he’s waiting for me in his box. In fact Zwei is fairly quiet, but I am not, so I may need to use a ball-gag (but that’s next week’s toy.) I had the true Oxytocin rush you get with a non-toy, and told him so. He seemed pleased, but I couldn’t be sure. It’s so hard to read silicone sometimes…

As I drift off to sleep tonight, I’m going to marvel at modern science. First anti-depressants, then Viagra and now it seems to have eliminated the need for real dick altogether. Well played science, well played.

I wonder if it's going to be a white wedding?
I wonder if it’s going to be a white wedding?


  1. […] time. For example, gift giving: how do you surprise yourself? Or staying faithful, I mean sure I consummate the relationship with myself on the regular, but good G-d damn I miss that touch of other human flesh sometimes. And my fiancée […]

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