The Trucker Of Vibrators

The VibeRite personal massager from Kinklab is based on the Hitachi Magic Wand, the gold standard of vibrators featured in some of my favorite porn and also more expensive than the VibeRite. The comparison reminds me of working in retail at a beauty supply store selling hairdryers ranging in price from $39.99 for a ConAir to $350 for something red, shiny and with it’s motor literally made by Ferrari. The reason I was the top salesperson was knowing that whatever women were buying was always about sex. If I was dealing with a hotshot single lawyer on a huge salary, with no time to get laid, I knew for sure I could sell her a $350 hair dryer with the Ferrari logo, by explaining to her that the engine was going to last and last and last…

Is it worth buying a Hitachi and is a Hitachi better quality? I don’t know, but I do know that while it feels more solid and robust, the Hitachi is also heavy and cumbersome, and honestly I could almost never be bothered using it unless I was playing with a guy with strong biceps who could hold it on me. (Not that I’m a lazy lay or anything…) Add to that, the Hitachi has a chord. In 2014, that’s as redundant as having a cellphone the size of a brick, attached to a briefcase.

The Hitachi has only two speeds, Barely Feel It and Oh My G-d I’m Gonna Die. If you want to vary the speeds, you have to shell out for this bizarre contraption that looks somewhere between a Scientology e-meter and a 60’s Bond villain’s torture device, and then plug that into the Hitachi. Are they kidding me? These toys are supposed to be less maintenance than a human, not more.

So the VibeRite immediately won me over by being light-weight, cordless and super quick to charge. I also prefer the maroon color aesthetically to the beige vinyl looking Hitachi, which looks like something you might find at a nursing home. (Albeit a nursing home with some very happy old people.)

I’m going to tell you outright that using the VibeRite and having children in the house do not mix. While many vibes require the three-pillow muffle technique, it’s not that this one is that loud, it’s that if it were a guy, it would be a dude driving an F150 who was all Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am, but all night. After washing the attachments (I’m not an animal) I was curious to see if the G-Spot attachment was going to work. It looked a little wonky, hold on let me just get this on here and get the lube and…

OH… MY..G-D… OH G-D… OH…

I was literally screaming and coming in seconds. Orgasm after orgasm rocked my world, as I didn’t even have to fantasize about anything or anyone. The key is that if you hold the thing firmly against your puss (that’s a technical term) and then also pull upwards, the base of the attachment hits the clitoris, and the protruding bit vibrates right on the G-…

OH… MY… G-D…

Just as you might sneak in a librarian to have sex with when your kids are asleep, while you would never bring home a filthy trucker who was going to fuck the shit out of you, there is no way you could ever use this thing while your kids were even in the driveway because…

OH…MY…FUCK…

I wasn’t counting, but each orgasm just went on and on and on and I was making sounds last heard on the soundtrack for The Hobbit. That was even before I got really dexterous with the intensity dial, and suddenly ramped it up to max for a perfect O every time. (I sound like I was cooking a meringue pie. Which in a way, I was.)

I would prescribe the VibeRite for the woman who has a hard time coming, because in my humble, non-expert opinion, you cannot not come with this toy, it will wipe away prudishness because it’s like sticking a Ferrari motor up next to your pussy, and running the engine from zero to 100 in 6 seconds. And all for the price of a Ford.

Then I tried the other two attachments, the Double Agent and the promising looking Triple Crown and was all “Meh.” I don’t know whose anatomy those things are designed for, but even the Rabbit never hit me in the correct puss/clit ratio. Speaking of the anus, I highly recommend adding a silicone butt-plug or other goodie that has a high enough base to connect to the vibration of the the G-attachment and…

OH…WOW… OH… FUUUUCK…

Then I heard the dogs barking. In a flash, I realized that my ex-hubby had not gotten that last text about how I was masturbating (I do it for you, people) and would he give me a heads up if he and the kids were on the way. Moments later my kid bursts in, still in Basketball uniform from the day’s game, but fortunately I have years of experience covering my tracks as a slutty teen.

“Oh, hi honey. Do you think you might knock before coming into mommy’s room?” I say, sitting on top of the covers in my hastily pulled up pants, and the vibrator and attachments underneath the covers wrapped in a towel. New Note In iPhone — Get Lock On Bedroom Door. (One thing a vibrator cannot do for you is repair work.)

“Hi mommy, what are you doing?” he asks, suspiciously, it seems to me.

“Just working, sweetie. Now come on let mommy rest, I will see you tomorrow…”

The mood broken, I spend the rest of the night folding laundry, crying about old relationships and reading “Pride and Prejudice.” But next time the ex-hubby takes the kids, and I feel like a romance-free pounding, my trucker and I are definitely having our next date…

Just another boring night in.
Just another boring night in.

9 comments

  1. I thought the blogs alone would be hot, but we also get action shots? Your O face should be your rating system. Whatever you do, keep posting the pics.

  2. Have you seen the Tenga eggs? They can be turned inside out and stretched over the head of wands like this to give your clit more texture. And really, they are just fun to play with.

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