Last night I didn’t feel like masturbating. At. All. I spent the entire day at the baseball field with my kids, and by the time I got home, cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen, there was no way I was in the mood. In the last ten years of my relationships, I have only not wanted to have sex once, and that was because I fell asleep face down, butt up on a map of Italy my husband laid out on the floor before our trip. I had just worked 6 night-shoots on a short film and I passed out on the map like a stone. Even then, he probably could have stuck it in after the first hour, without me minding.
But last night? Nothing. My pussy lay like an uneaten apple Danish between my legs and I had absolutely no interest in it. What was I going to do, date-rape myself?
I reasoned that just like the gym, you might need one day of recovery time for masturbation. I tried not to beat myself up about it (again, I ALWAYS want sex. If we are dating, and I say I don’t want sex, I’m ALWAYS lying to make you feel better because you’re too tired.) I had a terrible night’s sleep, waking almost every hour, still as un-horny as Hillary Clinton on her period. I even tried spanking my own ass in the middle of the night to get something going…
Then I got a pedicure this morning after dropping the kids off to school. Maybe if I made myself more attractive (to myself?) Still the next assignment loomed in front of me like NFL season for that guy who just came out. Would I need female Viagra, because you know they have that now. Although if I had had a mate with me yesterday on the baseball field to help wrangle my kids, I would happily have given him a gratitude blow-job that night, mood or no mood.
Finally, I got home and twisted my own arm and… Let me cut to the chase. The G-Vibe vibrator is the most amazing vibrator I have ever tried. Ever. It made me want to write a letter to its creator thanking him. It made me want to buy stock in the company. It also made me want to fuck.
If you have a partner, let’s say a woman, who is not in the mood, this thing will get her there. Just imagine that fantasy you’ve always had of someone going down on you with two long tongues (just me?) and what those could do together, or spread apart. There are lots of ways to use this marvelous, angelic product:
My money’s on the top right hand corner. There was a point, as I was moaning, writhing around and squealing in my own bed in the middle of the day, when if my dog had entered the room, I would have fucked her. She is pretty cute, but the point is that this thing makes you SO horny, you want the real thing. All women are different, but I can’t imagine someone not being in the mood for sex after ten or fifteen minutes with this toy. Or three minutes would also do it.
After an hour and a half, I felt fully satisfied, and when I walked out of my bedroom door, the dog looked at me funny,
Full disclosure: I already played with this toy with a partner while testing out some BDSM stuff last week, but because my eyes were closed and there was a lot going on, I wasn’t sure what was what. And you know I’m committed to you single people, so I knew I owed it to you to try it out solo. But now I remembered… if you have a partner and they can go down on you while you use the G-Vibe the way it’s drawn in the top-left corner you will have an orgasm unlike any other. Seriously. Beyond.
The G-Vibe gets five out of five stars, 100% on rotten tomatoes and a big thumbs up. The packaging and presentation are gorgeous, the silicone material comes in cool colors, and the orgasms you will get will be unlike any other you’ve ever had. By the way, I won’t be posting tonight. I’ll be busy.