1. Most modern sex toys have chargers. Due to my recent project, and even when I was masturbating on my own time, my bedside table became a tangle of chords; I would need a dining table to lay them all out at the same time. Hide your stash of charging toys under carefully placed dirty laundry. No child will touch their mother’s underwear, and if they do you have bigger problems than them finding your vibrator.
2. Keep scented candles or essential oils handy. This will help when your bedroom starts to smell like pussy and silicone.
3. Something to bite on so you don’t wake the kids, or worse subliminally infiltrate their dreams with mommy’s moans. (Ew.) Warning: the rougher vibes may require a bullet.
4. Don’t post stories about you whacking it online for your kids to find when they’re older. Oh.
5. Try to have such intense orgasms that you fall asleep right away. Then you may not notice that there’s no one to hold you afterwards. Unless there is someone to hold you, in which case, maybe next time if you wake them they will want to play?
The upside of all this whacking is that I am so much nicer to my kids once I’ve come twenty times! Also, much less resentful of doing housework. I have more energy and a little zing in my step- if I didn’t know better I would think it was time to stop taking my anti-depressants (I know better.)
Stay tuned for tomorrow, when I go all Electro Slut on your ass… And don’t forget to enter the Valentine’s Day Masturbating MILF contest. The prize may be just what you need to get your love life back on its dirty, filthy track. (In the good way.)
P.S- Last night I used all my sex toys in a row until each one run out of charge. In the morning my kids were like “Mommy, why are you limping?”