How To Be A Milf Part 2

1. Have a kid. Or more than one kid. Or lots of kids, if you’re a masochist. This is the bad news; in order to claim that much vaunted title, you have to procure some children, either through the vagina, incision, test tube or adoption agency. Is it worth the effort of putting 18 years into guiding another human being just to claim a title some may view as reductive? Why yes, yes it is.

2. Drink juice. I know it’s very Californian of me, but I am a huge proponent of eating your fruit, juicing your vegetables, and supplemental protein smoothies. It will all be worth it when the cute guy at the juice bar licks his lips as he hands you your dandelion/Royal Jelly/hemp shake.

3. Being a MILF is all about empowerment. Find out which sex toys are the most effective for your taste in orgasms. Do you need a whisper-quiet jackhammer, or a gentle trailing over the clitoris with peacock feathers? If you know what you like, you will radiate a certain MILFishness, guaranteed, even if you currently have no one to do the “F” part with.

4. Do yoga. Look I’m not going to lie to you, when I haven’t been to yoga in a few weeks (like now) I dread going back more than my kids becoming teenagers… but after a few painful sessions I’m always glad I’m back. What’s a little hamstring pain compared to knowing that you’re so flexible you can almost go down on yourself?

5. By all means go down on yourself (if you can) but don’t BE down on yourself. There is absolutely no point to hating, blaming or castigating yourself for mistakes you’ve made. Try the Buddhist philosophy of “I have compassion for your suffering” and say it to yourself a couple of hundred times before you put on the hair shirt.

6. Use a face oil under your moisturizer and don’t be stingy about applying it! Slather that shit on, and don’t let the girl with the purple hair at Sephora sell you too many products. In my far from humble opinion moisture is all, and my current favorite is Malibu Olive Company Anti Aging Skin Moisturizer. I like to put on so much, my face is sliding off the pillow.

7. Put on actual clothes and shoes once in a while. I don’t get those MILFs who are always dressed in heels, full make-up and twenty thousand dollars worth of jewelry just to go to the store. But I also have to fight the urge to be in sweats, and flip flops or Ugg boots every day of my life, especially in Malibu. So once in a while I like to put on an actual pair of shoes, even with a heel that’s not made of rubber, and go somewhere like an adult, even if I don’t have a special someone to go there with. Frankly I would rather go out with another MILF, than go somewhere special with someone un-special.

8. Flirt! When I was married, I didn’t flirt with anyone, I put that entire part of my personality on ice, because I didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about my intentions. I also dressed like Miss Gulch. Now I don’t care if people misread my intentions; I’m allowed to just flirt without it necessarily being a precursor to fucking. If fucking is my intention, I swear I will let you know in a really subtle way like, “So are we going to fuck, do you think?”

9. Be authentically you. Even if being authentic means having a bunch of plastic surgery, then be loud and proud about it. I don’t find fake lips to tits to nails personally appealing, but I know some guys do. Mostly I hope if you choose this route, you’re into it FOR YOURSELF, and not to get some bonehead to like you. But please don’t think that no one knows you’ve had work done. Trust me, we know.

10. Just as re-sanding an old floor instead of replacing it can make a huge difference to a house, small cosmetic and inner changes can transform you from an unwashed creature who has children hanging off you like Christmas ornaments, to a bodacious MILF who doesn’t need anyone to tell you you’re hot-you know you are! Switch up your color choices, show some boob, and remember, just like that elusive happiness those self-help sites are always promising us, MILFdom comes from the inside

Photo by Ray Mickshaw
Photo by Ray Mickshaw

8 comments

  1. Although you’re writing about being a MILF, as a bloke i still get a lot out of reading your work. Maybe that’s because as a said bloke I’m mainly concerned with reading about women anyway. Your empowering of yourself and the advice for other woman is a real joy to read. A joy because it’s nice to hear about someone you’re a fan of is on a positive projection and also because your message is such a good one. From the male perspective (it’s the only one I have) empowered woman are easily the most attractive kind. In no way am I saying that should be the reason to empower oneself, but it is a bloody good by product. The simplicity of a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, whatever that skin maybe, is more attractive than any other trait I know of.

    Love that you are going to be answering peoples questions. I’ve thought for ages you are the perfect person to be doing that!
    I’m sure I’ll have a few for you as well, and I’ll try not to start them all with, “Why does my wife…….” 🙂

    • “Why does my wife…?”made me laugh out loud. The difficulty in ever answering that question is that women are indeed so complicated and varied, that I’m sure you know your wife far better than I do! That being said, please hit me up with any questions you may have, perhaps we can figure out the mystery of her together. Thanks for being so supportive of my work. You really get me:-)

  2. Step one how to be a milf: have sex with 20 year olds but where will you find one of those *coughherecough* I think it would be great for your blog, imagine the um. blog. points.

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