Sex can be so… messy. Besides the fact that barely anyone is having really safe sex (when was the last time you used a dental dam for cunnilingus?) the emotional consequences can also be dire. Also if you fuck an actor (which is half of the people in this town) you have to endure the actor bullshit about headshots, lazy agents, or how many hours they’ve worked out today before you get laid. Just fucking kill me now if I have to listen to an allegedly grown man talking about his “core.” I don’t care how much you can bench, or that you know the entire Scarface movie by heart, or how much lean protein you need at dinner, I want you to know if you can fuck, or whether you’ve been too busy staring at your biceps in the mirror to learn.
I texted my Dom friend for a “medicinal fuck” and he replied that he was seeing his ex-girlfriend again. Of course I was happy for him. (Or pretended to be.) The fact is that the more I have sex (and trust me I’m not a 10 on the Slut Scale TM compared to some of my friends, I’m maybe a 7) the more I see how difficult it is to find someone who matches your sex-style.
In my opinion, everyone has a level of vanilla, kink, and general filth, whether that includes dirty talk, or ass fucking, or having a medical fetish. (Trust me, that’s a thing.) And because we don’t know when we meet someone what their “sex level” is, things can get awkward when we get down to business. The person’s sexual preferences are something we have to guess at based on what? What they say (people can talk a big game and then whither at the main event)? How they eat their pasta at dinner (slurp greedily with sauce on the chin, or cut into neat little pieces)? Their star-sign (although frankly I need a birth time and place to text my best friend so she can have the guy’s entire chart done by dessert.)
I’ve always liked the Lindsay Wagner commercials for the Sleep NumberTM bed. Are you a soft, squishy kind of guy, married to a firm, un-giving gal? No problem-you each get your own adjustable mattress setting, so everyone has a great night’s sleep (provided you stay in your allotted quadrants.)
That’s why I propose that everyone should have their own Sex NumberTM and should be forced to disclose it to potential partners. The Sex NumberTM could not only be used on online dating sites as a marker of compatibility, but also by matchmakers worldwide. Hell, I would wear mine on a T-shirt. The system may be as follows…
1. Very Vanilla: Missionary, maybe girl on top, no enthusiasm for oral sex, less than twenty minutes duration, lights off. Sex not high on life’s list of priorities.
2. Twist of Lime: Few more positions added (doggie, maybe reverse cowgirl) between twenty and thirty minutes duration for some encounters, lights quite dim. Some oral sex, but likes receiving more than giving.
3. Sherbet: Likes receiving and giving oral sex, for ample periods of time, but only right after a shower. May enjoy a finger in the ass during sex sometimes, but doesn’t like to talk about it. Unconcerned about lighting. May have anal sex a few times a year. Owns a few sex toys.
4. Mild Spice: Can give or wants to receive deep throat, can talk dirty a decent amount, enjoys varied locations for sex, maybe acting out limited fantasies (Sex in public? Blowjobs while driving? Extended anal play?) Still completely monogamous and jealous/possessive of lover. May not even like the thought of lover masturbating without them.
5. Sweet and Sour: Strong desire to either dominate or be dominated (This you could be a 5 Dom or a 5 Sub) Deep throat, anal sex, bringing toys into bed all on the menu. Competent at dirty talk, joint use of fantasies/pornography, desiring sex more than four times a week. Light BDSM, open to bringing others in for sexual experiences, and talking about others during sex. Understands that sometimes other person will masturbate, even if they’re getting plenty of sex.
6. Picante: Open to pretty much anything, even if not open to it, is willing to try it or talk about it. Some group sex (threesomes, swinging etc.) Usually bi-sexual, and if male, not cock-phobic. Strong preferences established and very comfortable with kinks, expert at dirty talk, sex high on priority list. Might include fisting, peeing or getting peed on, pegging, DP’s, BDSM, or other practices not widely discussed or understood by 1’s or 2’s.
7. Jalapeño: Extreme sexual practices including intense pain that leaves marks on the body, or Owner/Property relationships. Sex dominates almost every waking thought. Might have an addiction issue with pornography, masturbation and/or sex. Regular group sex, or gangbangs. Escalating desire for kink that seems limitless.
Last week I had sex with a 2-3, which might be where most people fall, but seemed by what he said to be a 4. I on the other hand am a 5, quickly warming up to a 6 in a relationship, but was quite happy to have some 4 sex and a cuddle. (Okay let’s face it I’m a solid 6.) The guy was lovely, handsome, we had a nice connection, and he had a gorgeous body but if I’d known his Sex NumberTM up front, he could have saved himself some gas money, and I could have saved myself the vag irritation of a condom (always use lube with a condom, people, always) and just been friends. So tell me, what’s your Sex NumberTM ?