1. Your kids are so used to you doing the “walk of shame” they think that’s how your hair’s supposed to look.
2. You pick up your kids and instantly worry about them touching “that hand” because you know where it’s been.
3. The dudes are coded on your iPhone (Friendly Motorcycle Cop, Blond Waiter, Mommy’s Special Helper) not so the kids don’t catch on, but because you don’t know names.
4. You’re married, but the entire male service population (delivery guys, supermarket baggers) refers to your house as “That House.”
5. You have to avoid certain parts of town because you’ve run out of explanations for why mommy has so many “old friends.”
6. You had to get a Burner cellphone because the kids kept cracking your regular iPhone and saying things like, “Mommy, who’s Armenian Jeff?” and “We learned in school that “fist” was a noun not a verb.”
7. You’ve had anal on the first date. (Whether you ended up marrying the guy or not is irrelevant.)