When MILF Doesn’t Feel MILFy

Believe it or not, sometimes I don’t feel like the sex-empowered vixen I portray on this blog. In fact, despite the fact that as a separated parent with a fair amount of personal time, often I still feel like this.
I dream of escaping to another country, or at least a parallel universe, where I don’t have children, or a mental illness, and can frolic amongst other sex maniacs (in this universe STD’s don’t exist.) Let’s face it, most days the only time I’m happy is when I’m coming.

So here are some To Do’s and Not To Do’s when you’re feeling less like a MILF, and more like you want to kill yourself, counting the moments until you can go to bed and relieve your anxiety with high-powered toys. Or maybe that’s just me…

Do:
1. Relieve your anxiety with high-powered toys. Sorry Catholics, but it’s been decades of diddling, and I still haven’t gone blind. As someone with major depressive tendencies, orgasms are as important to my mental health regimen as therapy. They are also way more fun.
2. Be in service of others. The other day I bought a $30 bookshelf at a yard sale, and used it to organize every single book, toy and miscellaneous crap item on my kids’ floor. (Feel free to pump your kids for compliments endlessly.)
3. Take care of your health and medicate accordingly. I found out last week that I’m anemic! Isn’t that exciting? Here I was thinking I had African Nodding Disease, and all I needed was a vitamin.
4. Vitamin D. And I don’t mean sunlight. If you’re married, or in a committed relationship, jump your partner. If you’re not, I recommend an affair with someone at least ten years younger than yourself to jumpstart your optimism.
5. Take time for yourself. Whether it’s a pedi, or a solo movie outing, I need my alone time like oxygen. Do not get the false impression that I enjoy my own company, but at least by forcing myself to be alone I’m learning to.
Don’t:
1. Eat your feelings. Sure that sugar is tempting, but at least reach for the Agave instead.
2. Cling to someone else to try and make you feel better. Even that twenty-something hottie you hooked up with that made you want to live again. Find another reason to live, and let him get on with his life, until he gets horny enough to call.
3. Be hard on yourself. Sure you feel like crap, but being ashamed of feeling like crap will make it worse. Repeat the mantra “I have compassion for your suffering” to yourself and try to believe it.
4. Be afraid to get help, even if that means a short stay in a mental health facility. (Which is where I was last week, in case you were wondering… but that’s another blog.)
5. Go on Tindr. The hook-up app I have heard so much about ended up being endlessly depressing. Swipe right for yes, and left for no enough times and you start to realize someone is doing that to a picture of you. That’s more rejection than I can take, even if it is happening in my brain. Also I live in the middle of nowhere, and it’s disheartening to find out that your nearest potential fuck buddy is 40 miles away.

At least I look better in chains than the monkey.
At least I look better in chains than the monkey.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s