Recently Detoxed Off SSRI’s And Ready To Part-ay

Hi there! I’ve been sober a good chunk of time, but recently made the highly personal decision to stop using anti-depressants to medicate my personality. I’m sexy, smart and great at your office party, sipping on nothing but pineapple juice. New to online dating, but I figure it’s less complicated if I’m just completely honest. So…

I generally like super-smart, super-funny men who are at least a 5 on my self-devised Sex NumberTM Scale. Please rate yourself HERE.

Historically I’ve been attracted to guys with some “edge.” Suit and tie corporate guys, those in high finance and anyone in real estate are usually not my thing (although there is that one really cute guy who coaches Little League, even though he’s not married and doesn’t have his own kids. Hey florescent green shirt guy, when are you going to get my number?)

Tattoos are good, love of foreign films is great. If you’re in recovery, we probably have a lot in common, but if you’re one of those AA Nazis that quotes out of the Big Book by line number, you may find me a little irreverent for your taste. In fact if you don’t dig major irreverence, you should probably move on and find a nice twenty-year-old girl to date, in my experience they are way more willing to take anything you say as gospel, as I did at that age. (And if you do, maybe you could introduce me, because I love banging 20-year-old girls, but only on weekends.)

I would prefer it if you’re not batshit crazy, or at least not too mentally ill, although a history of it certainly makes things interesting. I love long walks on the beach reminiscing about the good old days of psych wards and 5150 Holds, but I probably don’t want to pick you up from a facility on our first date. (Unless of course you have no one else to drive you, and then I’m kind of a sap and will probably do it.)

I have tended to date young in recent times, so a portion of my dates still live at home. If this is you, don’t panic; it’s not a deal breaker. I am in the process of setting up a very nice lair where I can share the sexy time, and then send you home with a some great memories, new memes and a swollen member. But don’t forget to let me know in a very non-subtle way if this is just a hook-up, because sometimes I have trouble deciphering truth from bullshit. Probably don’t tell me you love me, or use the world girlfriend at all, as for some reason I can find that a little confusing once you disappear.

Please have read more than one book since high school, or college, or nursing school or whatever it is you’ve chosen to devote your talents to. Artsy is good, unemployed is forgiven, but a lack of direction in life is kind of a turn off. Please have some talent—writers are encouraged to apply, especially those who finally got that pesky acting bug out of their systems, but really any passion that gets you out of bed in the morning will be much encouraged. Unless you want to stay in bed…

Oh, full disclosure: I recently turned 40, and contrary to thinking I would finally start lying about my age, I find myself proud to have reached that milestone. I do not discriminate on the basis of age, race or physical disability, but please at least be 18. I don’t want to be on an FBI watch list, you know, if I’m not already.

Also I have two young children, but am not looking for a “new daddy” for them. They have an “old daddy” (well, I guess he’s not that old.) I’m looking for different qualities than what my children are, so I recognize that I’m not likely to find someone who can watch an old Bergman film, fuck me all night, and then rise to discuss Pokemon with the boys in the morning. As long as you don’t want me to shoot hoops with you, we’re golden, because I already have two young guys who want me to do that, and motherfucker I am tired.

Finally, and fairly important, I’m sort of Internet famous. What that amounts to is that dudes and women feel compelled at all hours to compliment, confide in, and sometimes tell me about what they are fantasizing about doing to me (hint: it doesn’t involve Pokemon) and until I can figure out how to monetize that interest, you may have to be someone who either enjoys hearing about other guys I Skype-fucked that week, or gets off on it.

Thanks for stopping by! Please no dick pics unless I ask for them, and if you’re going to talk dirty please do it with some finesse. A good yardstick would be to consider whether you’d want your sister or mother treated with as much respect as you’re treating me, though if you need to think of your sister or mother as The Holy Virgin I also understand. The ideal attitude would probably be that women can be as filthy as you’ve always thought you are, but also like it when you help them with that pesky second armhole on their jackets. Good luck!

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9 comments

  1. My old Plenty of Fish profile was nothing but jokes I had told at the Improv, I figured it would accentuate one of my two strengths. ( being 6’4″ was the other one so I figure overall it was a wash ).
    I met all types of women; I don’t think any were certifiable but then I didn’t ask to see all their paperwork either.
    Your profile is an amalgam of the ones I read. Only sexier and funnier. And I don’t compliment you because you’re sort of internet famous.
    Okay that might have been a lie .

    • When I was still a stand up comic I sucked at reading the room. Trying to do jokes on online dating sites is like the worst form of that. At least you are REAL- authenticity is in short supply in this world in general and this town in particular.

  2. Prepare to be swarmed! You will have brave drones hovering over you within minutes of your post! They’ll see your enchanting photo, read your mesmerizing profile and, with hopes that you’ll become their receptive queen, become befuddled, erect and en route simultaneously!

    • You are hilarious. Where is your blog??? The drones have come and gone and luckily I survived the swarm. And please check back with me about sex number- we will see if my instincts are correct.

  3. Hi, i have always enjoyed your blog. I’m curious why you decided to stop the SSRI’s. I understand taking and not taking is a personal matter and you dont need to reply. But Ive been on the fence in trying to acheive a more even keeled go with the flow personality/outlook and have been reluctant to try them. At any rate WONDERFUL blog, you make me laugh smile and enjoy your sharing 🙂

    • Thanks Ray. As you say it is personal and I would never presume to tell others what to do. I’m not sure if I will ever achieve “even keeled go with the flow personality/outlook” and my ex husband would probably agree. All I can say is that the cost of staying on the meds became too high, and I felt I had no choice but to embark on a life without them. I will write about it more at length (you know I will) so I look forward to your thoughts. In the meantime, thanks for letting me entertain you:-)

  4. i think you need to get away with a guy about 25 tell know no won where you are and have the best fuck of your life then when you get back you will take on the world and kick ass that is what you need then you might be able to handle your husband and kids . think young and fuck hard

  5. That Profile is a winner;
    Maybe too long for Tinder.
    Most likely its a Chemistry, Match or CollarMe candidate.
    Hope the feedback helps.
    best of luck ! ;-D

    Yours truly,
    Thirteen…. 😉

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