The Ten Hottest Moms In Malibu

Malibu is known from Des Moines to Dublin to Dubai for being where the beautiful people frolic, but many of them are not famous. There are so many MILFs in Malibu, narrowing it down to just ten was the hard part. What made it easier was that women tend to be very private out here; quite a few didn’t want to be included in this list because they felt uncomfortable with either the publicity or the “hot” moniker. Luckily there were plenty more to choose from, even though some of them took some cajoling! Most were flattered that I considered them “hawt,” but somewhat embarrassed by it, and there were some interesting discussions about what “hawtness” actually is. To me it is not just about the face and body, though it helps that women out here DO NOT AGE, but a certain quality of inhabiting oneself that comes with having kids, serenity, passion, or just straight-up sexiness. So here they are, owning it:

1. Tricia
Yes she is beautiful, and her coloring makes you swoon, but Tricia is also an accomplished actor, producer  and business woman. She is one of the inventors of a system of body resistance exercise equipment used all over the world, and as an English person would say “well fit.” She’s a proud mom of two, has acted on stage and screen and also produces and co-created the show SALEM on WGN, as part of an overall deal with 20th Century Fox.

 

2. Kimberly
You will not meet a nicer, funnier or or more humble human being than Kimberly, even though she’s been on several iconic TV shows and films, exemplified by the fact that I’ve known her for ten years and only just found out that she is one of George Clooney’s exes! Kim runs the PTA, her acting career and any social situation with the same grace, sincerity and sunny disposition. Also, she has 8 children. Yes, EIGHT. When our mutual friend died, Kimberly and her husband made the decision to take in all of her FIVE kids (including one set of twins) so that they didn’t end up split up in different foster homes. How hot is that?

 

3. Lainee
Representing the tatted-up, surfer, earth mama contingent is my friend Lainee. She is one of the few people I’ve ever met who has as few sexual hang-ups as I do, but also a total nurturer, caretaker and completely heart-centered, can be attested to by her FOUR children ranging in age from five to eighteen. Lainee radiates confidence and sensuality which men notice in droves, but she is a Doula, so knows firsthand that having a baby makes a woman the ultimate badass.

 

4. Sherrie
The first single mom so far on the list, her kid is a great testament to her parenting skills. Also Sherrie’s drive, determination and talent are awe inspiring. She once had fake sex with Charlie Hunnam, which is almost as impressive as having real sex with Charlie Hunnam, though I would be afraid to do that as it would be time to die; my bucket list would be empty. A successful actor, writer and producer, Sherrie also somehow managed to get a real estate license and excel at that career. You know, in her spare time. Again her eye/hair coloring combo is amazing, but to me it’s Sherrie’s dark sense of humor, scrupulously fair parenting and self-reliance that get me hot.

 

5. Matia
DSC06972 Matia is the kind of woman that doesn’t lean on her looks, though she easily could. I have watched men become speechless in her presence, and yet they are only seeing some of the picture. No matter how awful you feel, a few minutes in Matia’s presence will make you feel better. She has an aura of wisdom, empathy and kindness before she even says a word, but once she does, she will say the one thing you absolutely needed to hear. Matia is a healer, literally; she is a Doctor of Chinese Medicine as well as a passionate mama bear to two kids, many animals (hence the horse pic) and will take in stray animals and humans alike. (Thank G-d her husband knows how lucky he is, or I would have to tell him.)

6. Melissa
Melissa is another single mom, and also can be oblivious of how attractive men find her. I have hugged Melissa in public, only to notice some hapless guy drooling at her ass behind her. Yes, Melissa is curvy, and her ass is sculpted by spinning, so sometimes I will squeeze it just for fun. Melissa is one of my favorite people; a bawdy, ball-busting Bostonian, but also sweet and radiating that elusive quality called “inner strength.” The green eyes, boatloads of hair, the lips… all would qualify her as “hawt”, but she’s also great at her job, a kick-ass parent and has the largest circle of girlfriends I’ve ever encountered in any living human. So yeah, not sure whether I want to do her, or be her.

7. Shannon
A true extrovert, Shannon is an actor, singer and dancer who is also an activist. Parent to one teenager, with a husband so hot I have to avert my eyes not to look at him, she also teaches at my kids’ school, preparing them for vocal concerts at the end of the year that make all of the parents load up on tissues. If you’ve ever been lucky enough to dance on a dance-floor with Shannon, then you know the meaning of the word fun, she is entirely comfortable in her body, and by extension makes you comfortable in yours. Her passion is musical theater and stage acting education for youth, check it out HERE.

8. Eimear
Eimear is sexy personified, even before she talks with that sweet Irish lilt. She is also an internationally renowned conductor, as in the classical orchestra kind, but ridiculously humble about her accomplishments. Having her scrumptious baby made Eimear even more beautiful (if that were possible) so standing behind a lectern with a baton must be more athletic than it looks. Earthy, unpretentious and easy to laugh, running into Eimear always reminds me to follow my dreams; she makes that shit look good.

 

 

9. Jillian
Jillian may see herself as more “haute” mom than “hot” mom, but I can assure you she is both. She is a woman’s woman, and doesn’t seem to notice that guys lose their shit over her (luckily her husband doesn’t mind it either.) In love with her two girls (as is anyone who has ever laid eyes on them) they will be the third generation of Malibuites. Her family has had the designer clothing store Pinnacle for forty years, which Jillian has owned and operated for the last fourteen. It has has been referred to as “Malibu’s closet” and epitomizes Jillian’s own style: chic, comfortable and sexy. The gift she gives friends and clients alike is inspiration to be the best version of you, and make it look like you totally weren’t trying.

 

10. Bret
One of the first women I thought of when compiling this list, so draw no conclusions from her being number 10. Bret is like a human shot of oxygen, she radiates self-expression, creativity and sly humor. I see her everywhere and she ALWAYS looks like the diva she is. Bret has three kids, and is one of those moms that make parenting look preternaturally easy. She is a literal diva- she sings, writes music and performs, both in and out of Malibu, though she is a particular local favorite. Check out her music HERE, and remind yourself that the hottest thing you can be, is exactly who you are.

24 comments

  1. That was really nice…as I read I noticed I stopped looking at the pictures to go onto the next persons story…(I did go back to look.. I mean, come on).

  2. This is absolutely disgusting. This makes all these women look ugly and superficial. I live in the Valley and it makes me glad I don’t live in Malibu if these are the other moms I have to deal with. Congrats, you are an ex of George Clooney – what an awesome bragging point in an article about being a Mom. I’m sure your husband is SO proud of you. All these women – ALL OF THEM – should be ashamed of themselves for using their likenesses in such an article.

    • You obviously missed the entire point of this article…you’re the one judging, and to me that’s ugly & disgusting. Who said we wanted lame val friends anyway? Please stay the fuck on your side of the hill with your negative attitude! Thanks!

    • Claire Smith, it’s with a gentle voice that I tell you how evident it is that you’re experiencing distress or interpersonal difficulties with your sexuality and self worth. I have heard there are qualified and nonjudgmental psychotherapists in the valley who specialize in women’s inabilities to feel joy, pleasure or self-confidence with her image or character. You see, Claire, what’s obvious to the rest of us, is your innate jealousy of the internal and external beauty of the women highlighted in Susanna’s article. Additionally, I’m sure reading of their accomplishments simply rubbed you raw. Although my heart goes out to you, I strongly urge you to seek the professional help that’s available to you!

    • As someone who knows many of these women intimately, I wholeheartedly disagree with your horrid mischaracterization. Especially Kimberly, who is a saint on this Earth and I consider myself incredibly lucky to know her. Personally, I imagine that you were jaded against these women from the moment you read that they’re both “hot” and “in Malibu” and just trolled along until you could find some detail to call out as superficial. For the record, nobody who knows them feels a bit sorry for Kimberly’s husband or 8 children, to whom she’s absolutely devoted. Hopefully your friends would say the same about yours.

    • Oh Please you’re probably a sumo wrestler in a house coat. Good to know you don’t live anywhere near here. xo

  3. This was a really beautiful post. I am so overwhelmed by the story of your friend Kimberly. What a fucking saint. I need to meet her if just to give her a hug and say ‘job well done’.

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