We all know what happens to women after they hit 35, and it’s not a newfound fascination with Canasta. As an equal opportunity objectifier, I’ve put together a list of hot young guys that inspire me, and the types they exemplify. These are the young men to invite over to the house on the hill with the pretext of throwing a football around with your kids, or to see if they could tutor little Johnny on the guitar; or to offer to teach them Canasta. Whatever. Coiled like a cobra you wait… then while they’re eating their MILF and cookies, you pounce, strike and drag them into your lair… in the most feminine way possible.
1. Zac Ephron – The Pretty Boy
The color combo of dark hair and blue eyes has always made me swoon, and I would gladly take a sample, even if Nicole Kidman peed on him first. Zac is reportedly sober from drugs and alcohol, but still has a hankering for the wild side, as evidenced by this recent story about hanging out in Downtown LA in the middle of the night looking for… sushi. Okay, Zac. Totes. Just don’t smoke in the house and we’ll be cool.
2. Liam Hemsworth – The Strong Nose
I saw this guy at a grocery store in Malibu and almost dropped my kale. Holy. Shit. He has that pesky Australian accent I grew up around, but I’d be willing to overlook that to gaze up into those eyes (not sure but I think he might be 7 feet tall, he was blocking out the bad overhead lighting.) Sorry Miley, no hard feelings, love ya, you do you.
3. James Franco – The Scruffy and Rumpled
Actor, writer, artist, college professor, producer, director and poet; when news recently came out that Mr. Franco was caught soliciting a young lady via social media, I was appalled. Not because she ended up being underage, but because someone needs to tell this guy about the joys of older women. Creative, talented and over-extended; the very qualities you don’t want in an ex-husband, are so attractive in the young.
4. Ryan Gosling – The Ripped and Artsy
He’s not in his twenties anymore, but he’ll always be Rachel McAdams true love in The Notebook to so many of us. Ryan (we’re on first name terms) is soulful, creative and tender, but he’ll also kill ya as soon as look at ya. I imagine he’s writing sonnets as he pumps iron 4-6 hours a day. (Maybe he’s dictating them to his trainer.)
5. Charlie Hunnam – The Enigma
He’s brilliant in everything from Dickensian period drama, to playing a motorcycle gangbanger. Recently tapped to play Christian Grey in the 50 Shades cheese-fest, I’m glad he withdrew. It’s better that only us Charlie connoisseurs get to recognize that look, the one that says that he is absolutely filthy in the sack, but will also stay awake with you afterwards to watch political satire.
6. Jason Segal – The Class Clown
He’s Jewish, hapless and seems like he’d be the most fun guy in the room at any gathering. Emerging effortlessly from under Paul Rudd’s shadow in “The 40-year-old Virgin” (though I’ve stood next to Paul Rudd and he’s too short to cast much of a shadow) he brought the world’s goofiest full frontal to “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” reminded us that doing tricks with your flaccid penis is vastly underrated. Perhaps I will start cooking Shabbat dinner again so I can invite him?
7. Jay Cutler – The Teddy Bear
The only NFL player on this list, it is a testament to his charm (or his publicist) that I know who he is. Dress Jay in a flannel shirt, snuggle and drink non-GMO hot chocolate while watching “Life After People,” because he would make you feel better about the coming apocalypse. A Frat Boy With A Heart of Gold, he also has diabetes, which makes this MILF want to take care of him. He just had his second baby with something called a Kristin Cavallari, so I guess he’s already married to a MILF and not auditioning new candidates.
8. Justin Timberlake – The Prodigy
He sings, he acts, he dances and he also looks like there are some other things he might be more than a little proficient at. J-Tim never loses the opportunity to make fun of himself, which is sexy on Groucho Marx, but somehow more so when encased in those hips. If Jessica Biel can spare him for an afternoon, I’m totally down to learn Canasta so I can teach it to him.
9. Jay Pharaoh – The Comic
A few years ago, yours truly was flown up and put up in a hotel to audition for Saturday Night Live, based on these characters (spoiler alert: I didn’t get it.) I did however get to meet Jay Pharaoh, and even if we didn’t have a black President whom no one else could do a decent impression of, at 23 this guy had charisma and confidence it takes most guys a lifetime to develop. (Sadly by the time men grow into that much coolness, they usually can’t poop on their own.)
10. Channing Tatum – The Young, Dumb and Full of…
Look, he might be a Mesopotamian scholar for all I know, but dude looks like he’s spent more time developing muscles than intellect. Channing is not in his twenties anymore, but he still seems like the kind of guy that won’t get your references. In my experience, guys like this don’t last long in the sack, but their gratitude to be getting any almost makes up for it. Afterwards he will call you “homie”, later he will send a text confusing “their” and “they’re” but for now to commemorate this moment, go ahead and take a selfie.