10 Movies That Will Get You DTF

You’ve had a long day. I get it. Depending on where you are in the parenting process you’ve either been wiping up poop that’s not your own, baking cookies with ungrateful flour covered beasts, or dealing with a teen who’s giving you more attitude than Donald Sterling at Roscoe’s Fried Chicken and Waffles.

The last thing you want to do is go to the bedroom, slip into something less comfortable, and indulge in the act of result-free procreation. After a day like today, you may even have booked in for a tubal ligation, or a vasectomy, or at the very least cried in the fetal position wondering what it was that motivated you to ever have a fetus.

Never fear- Malibu Mom has just the flicks to get you in the mood. So lie down, and try not to fall asleep after ten minutes would ya? These classic and not so classic movies are guaranteed to get you all hopped up and ready to do the horizontal tango… (Good name for a band.)

1. Betty Blue

The movie opens with the leading lady (the delicious Beatrice Dalle) receiving some oral affection from her lovah (the sweaty and dashing Jean-Hughes Anglade) and though it has subtitles, much of it doesn’t require translation from the original French. The love between “Betty” and “Zorg” gets hotter and hotter as the film progresses (she actually burns down their seaside home at one point) and they have to flee to Paris to start a new life. No therapist would endorse this kind of crazy relationship, and as the clue of the burned down guesthouse suggests, things are not going to end well for this couple. I recommend stopping the movie after “Zorg’s” scene with the hot MILF at the local grocery store, and going back to watch the rest on an occasion when you are definitely not in the mood for nooky; wear sensible pajamas and be ready to spoon, after you cry your eyes out.

2. Nine and a Half Weeks
Sure, you saw it when it came out, but have you watched it lately? Back when it wasn’t a miracle to see a Mickey Rourke untouched by bizarre cosmetic surgery, and a Kim Basinger so young and hot she burned 35 mms film. There are all kind of BDSM undertones and overtones in this movie; the blindfolding, the ice, the crawling around doing what you’re told, but without all that latex and leather that some people find off-putting. Another relationship that doesn’t end well, but this isn’t a list of top functional relationships in cinema…

3. Blue Valentine
I’m now 0 for 3 in the happy endings department, but Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams have chemistry so hot, I remember having to shift in my seat at the theater repeatedly while watching it. It traces their love affair, skipping around the timeline for extra poignancy (wouldn’t it be great to see the ending of the relationship flashing up on a screen in front of you as you entered into it? Some of us see it, but go in anyway…) The last sex scene is paradoxically the most disturbing, as we see Ryan fighting for Michelle not to pull away from him but is somehow erotic despite and because of this. (Do try this at home…)

4. The Dreamers
Auteur Bernardo Bertolucci has veered all over the map in terms of sexual content in his films. One minute he’s all coy with a pouty Liv Tyler losing her innocence in “Stealing Beauty,” the next he has Brando giving it to Maria Schneider in the ass in “Last Tango in Paris.” “The Dreamers” would be kind of between these two in terms of sexual content… except that the leading boy and girl are brother and sister. Um… yeah. That probably takes it into more kinky territory, though of course it’s all done in a very classy French way set against the backdrop of student unrest in 1968. That said, the erotic content is off the charts hot. (Do not try this at home.)

5. Damage
Jeremy Irons has always been hot to me in that creepy, sinister kind of way. He played the world’s most unethical gynecologist and his twin in “Dead Ringers” and if you have a violent medical fetish, this may be the way to go. He was also Humbert Humbert in “Lolita” so clearly he is comfortable with the perverse and perverted. I like him best in “Damage” with a stunning Juliette Binoche, pursuing a stolen love affair… along with his own clueless son. I had actually read the book prior to seeing this film, and it was one of the few instances when the sex scenes were better than I could have imagined. Another disastrous ending- stop the movie after the first time he and Juliette Binoche have sex on a Paris street corner unless you want to be put off ever seeking companionship or love for the rest of eternity, let alone getting lucky for the night.

6. Barbarella
It’s light-hearted, fantastical and goofy as hell, but the sight of a young Jane Fonda in her madcap space-age outfits will loosen you up and get you in the mood. This movie reminds you that sex doesn’t have to be so serious with camp lines such as “An angel cannot make love, an angel is love” and the scene where Barbarella breaks the orgasm machine that the evil Duran Duran has constructed to destroy her. Fonda was dating director Roger Vadim at the time, and apparently didn’t have such a great time working with him, but what is on screen is as fluffy and sensual as cotton candy, if that cotton candy were fashioned into naughty shapes…

7. Brokeback Mountain
If you are homophobic or merely dudes kissing averse, you may move along, but you will be missing something very hot. Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger’s scenes on top of the mountain made me uncertain if I wanted to be Jake, or Heath, or just be there to watch. The slow burn of their forbidden passion is essential to the sex scenes (as are all on this list) so don’t just skip to the good parts. Anne Hathaway also does a great turn as the spurned wife who knows, but doesn’t know, but does she know? I want men this beautiful to be kissing me, but if they can’t, I would certainly prefer to see them kissing each other.

8. The Hunger/ Belle Du Jour
Way before “Blue is the Warmest Color” graced us with its somewhat stylized lesbian sex last year, there was “The Hunger,” a Catherine Deneuve vampire movie where she has sex with almost everybody, most memorably a young Susan Sarandon! Just the words “Catherine Deneuve” and “vampires” should be enough to get you aroused, if not try her in “Belle Du Jour,” one of my all time biggest turn on movies where despite being a classy French lady, Deneuve decides to be a prostitute in a brothel during the day. Full of submissive fantasies, and rough French types, don’t watch the end unless you want to ruin the whole fantasy and feel guilty about secretly wanting to be a whore.

9. The Night Porter
This is a heavy, heavy movie, with a young stunning Charlotte Rampling, who has managed to stay stunning in the ensuing forty years. She will never not be stunning, and I will never get tired of watching her. In this odd erotic thriller, she plays a concentration camp victim who encounters her Nazi captor in a chic hotel, many years after the war. Maybe I’m sick, but I am Jewish, and if I could let go of political correctness and revel in the decadence of this movie, maybe you will too…

10. Boogie Nights
This movie from one of my favorite directors Paul Thomas Anderson, has it all – it’s entertaining, fun and also very sexy. It’s a difficult fete to accomplish, to satirize porn, while at the same time creating some truly sensual moments onscreen. Mark Walhberg and John C. Reilly are genius as two drugged out seventies porn stars, but the former’s scene with Julianne Moore is my favorite. There’s a little creepy mommy undertone to it, there’s a voyeuristic aspect, but all of this is superceded by that sound she makes when she first experiences Marky Mark’s Dicky Dick. Realistic, kinky and with all action taking place off-camera— the way all great erotic movies should be…

K… Good night, gotta go now, I have a hot date… Let me know how it all goes, okay?

9 comments

  1. Oh Susanna there really should be more people like you in this world…….. actually maybe it’s good just to be you, but boy do I love how your mind works. I was just driving along today thinking, we all should be having more sex. It’s such a bloody good fun thing to do and it’s free and it feels good and it tastes good. Even when it’s bad, it’s better and more memorable than watching a sitcom or reading through a twitter timeline.
    Vote 1 more fucking.
    Anyhoo I’m typing this while cooking my wife dinner and I have Blue Valentine loaded up and ready to go on Netflix! 😉

  2. I was surprised that I’ve seen five of the ten movies. The best was The Dreamers . There wasn’t a dry fly in the house after that one. I didn’t think I’d like Brokeback Mountain but hot is hot. I’ll make a point to catch the other five because A) I trust your taste & B) they’ve got to be better than Most Dangerous Catch.

  3. Ha! You basically just picked my brain for this list. And I thoroughly agree about Rampling, she is utterly amazing.

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