Cameron Diaz, who is my spirit animal, recently shared in an interview that she feels she makes her married friends uncomfortable. In her view, it is inconceivable to her friends that she has chosen to be single, and might make them doubt their own choices. I will go one step further and say that as a single woman with kids, I make my married friends uncomfortable because subconsciously they feel I must have designs on their husbands. Let me disabuse you ladies of that notion. Right. Now.
Firstly, let me state if it’s not already obvious that I am not Cameron Diaz. For one thing, I have red hair, which is more like a fetish than a preference. Being into redheads is like being into midgets, or animal porn or something. Wanting to fuck a redhead can be a kind of a “bucket list” experience- like sampling a weird ice cream flavor when you know right after this you’re going straight back to mint choc chip. All men turn their heads to check out a flash of blonde hair, and the ones that don’t will certainly turn for a brunette. So I’m not under the illusion that all men would want to have sex with me even if they could. The point is, they can’t.
Here are the reasons I don’t want to fuck your husband:
1. I don’t even like used clothing.
2. I’m a girl’s girl, or more accurately a woman’s woman. I have never felt like I had to defeat other women in competition for men, even in New York and Los Angeles, where women outnumber men, so if you’re straight and have a job you’re already a CATCH. Regardless of how attractive a guy is, or how horny and unprincipled, I could never do that to another woman.
3. Many married men have “let themselves go.” More often this is heard about women, but dudes around my age with kids often give zero fucks about their appearance. You don’t want to fuck your husband anymore, why would I?
4. I’m a bad liar. Once upon a time I was a good actor, but I was never a great liar. If I can’t tell everyone details about my sex life, it’s not going to work. I wouldn’t feel right blabbing about something I’m ashamed of.
5. I don’t have any more Commandments to spare, what with all the blaspheming and worshipping effigies I do on a daily basis.
6. I don’t find domesticity erotic, especially now that I have become way too accustomed to boys on motorbikes who come over, service me, and then roar out of the driveway never to be heard from again. (Okay just one so far, but the gist is that I find “freedom” sexy, not “shackles.”)
7. I already have a baby daddy, and I don’t want to be your kids’ other mommy, especially not “that whore.” I would be open to dating someone with a kid, but not if that someone is already committed to another someone, even a someone that is bitchy and doesn’t put out for years at a time.
8. I don’t want to be somebody’s side-chick. Though I don’t believe in monogamy, and love polyamory in principal, I would like to be special enough to someone that they can actually hold my hand in public without some chick coming out of the bushes trying to stab me.
9. I have so little time; I can’t imagine trying to juggle another dude’s kids’ Little League, ballet and paintball schedule, let alone having to sneak around it.
10. Breaking up a marriage is seriously bad Karma, and I suspect I must already have done something heinous in another life to deserve all these mental health issues. If I’m going to use up Karma points, I’d rather do it being obnoxious to strangers, preferably while driving.
So please don’t get weird if I’m talking to your husband. More than likely we are either talking about our kids, inane remarks about the weather or how wonderful you are. If he reads my blog, I can guarantee you he sees me as a kind of curio, like something to observe in a terrarium reptile enclosure, but not to touch. Even though my own marriage didn’t work out, and I do like sex an awful lot, the sight of your dude barbecuing in his apron does not make me weak in the knees. Please can’t we all just get along?