7 Things I Never Knew About Parenting (But Have Learned The Hard Way)

1. It’s awful because you love them. If you didn’t love them, you could leave out a food dish with a little water bowl, and let them fend for themselves. Instead kids are more high maintenance than a JAP on her wedding day.
2. There are no shortcuts—for every hour you let them vegetate in front of electronics, you’ll pay by having to re-socialize them back into polite society like Sigourney Weaver trying to wrangle primates in “Gorillas in the Mist.”
3. Just when you feel like you’ve mastered one stage, overnight their pants are too short, their shoes are too small and they’re into the amphetamines.
4. It is like enlisting in the military—no one can possibly explain to you what it’s going to be like, because if they did, no one would enlist. (And with parenting you don’t even get free college.)
5. If you want to raise free-spirited, open-minded kids who question authority, they will eventually question yours. Sadly once you’ve taught them to express themselves it’s too late to squash their self-esteem, though you can always try.
6. Having sex relieves the stress of parenting, but not getting enough sleep makes parenting infinitely harder. The solution? A quick daytime whack, even if you have to do it at a traffic light.
7. The calmer you are, the calmer your children are… which is why my kids are fucked.

Me on a good day
Me on a good day


  1. I’m perfectly content having creativity on par with a potato.. so I need help imagining how it’s done at a traffic light.

    • Step 1. Buy small vibrator shaped like a lip balm.
      2. Wait until stopped at traffic light.
      3. Apply vibrator to clitoris- even through clothing if pent up enough.
      4. Orgasm before light turns green.
      5. Continue driving.
      (Not when kids are in the car. Obviously.)

  2. Might as well take all the fun out of it. My hand can get the job done just fine but “she’d” never be my first choice! (Don’t tell her I said that)

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