1. I have a hot young girlfriend.
2. I want to change career paths, but maybe I just want to have the same career and be successful at it. (Once again it’s a pity I haven’t figured out how to monetize having orgasms.)
3. My kids are seriously cramping my style. I’m like a female version of that male trope who abandons his kids to go after pussy, except I can’t abandon them as I live with them. Where would I go?
4. I am bored by people my own age, with few exceptions (you know who you are and I love you) I want to hang out with young people who use terms like “ratchet,” “Turn down for what?” and know what “trap” music is.
5. I am bored by almost everything- can’t finish watching a show or a movie because I feel like I’ve already seen the ending to everything that has ever existed.
6. I want to move to a different city where no one knows me and start again, but then I would have to delete too much social media. (Physical addresses are temporary but the Internet is forever.)
7. I hate old people because soon I will be one.
8. I got a tattoo a while back- and am probably going to get another one if I can just figure out on which day in my cycle it will be the most painless (hint: there’s no such day.)
9. All I want to think about are my “glory days” when I was on TV or doing shows, even though I’m aware it all looks far better in hindsight.
10. I vape.
(Trying to re-frame depression as an existential crisis because I can no longer take medication. Is it working?)