7 Ways To Move On From An Ex

Sometimes I decide to write about something I am bad at, in hopes that the act of writing about it will help me process and get better. I guess considering I have quite a lot of readers now I should get more cagey and defensive about my personal life, but instead I see it as an opportunity to get increasingly honest and naked with you, who do me the honor of reading my stuff. I love each and every one of you… which obviously means I love too easily. I’m still getting over people I had a crush on in kindergarten, so here is what has helped me, a “love addict” or as I prefer to think of it “open heart enthusiast” in moving past what I see as rejection (which is everything) and into a sense of acceptance that people are in your life for a reason or a season and yada yada maybe you just don’t get to fuck that guy anymore because the Universe knows what it’s doing keeping him away from you before he steals your valuables.

1. Don’t fuck your ex. Do not fuck them in a car, or in a bar, or in a house, or with a mouse (I don’t know what weird shit you’re into – rodent porn could be a thing?) As long as you don’t rub skin and/or swap fluids that dull pain you have right now will not turn into the searing burning of the flesh that happened roughly 48 hours after you last thought hooking up with the ex was a good idea.

2. Don’t talk to your ex. Okay, this is tricky because I still technically reside in the same domicile as my ex-husband, whom I will forever be getting over, so where children are concerned, you may have to talk. But talk sparingly, and don’t make eye contact. Keep your Third Eye closed – see Rule #1

3. Move to a big city. It’s 2014 and people are expendable! There are literally billions of us humanoids, surely eventually there will be another one to float what’s left of your leaky, sinking boat?

4. Masturbate daily. Even if you have to think about that ex half the time, it’s still better than being pent up. Guns don’t kill people, pent-up people kill people. (They do it with guns, but you get the concept.)

5. Fuck other people. Lots of other people. I know not everyone has the mojo to get laid, and I may need to post a helpful blog about that in future, but if you’re female you literally have no excuse. Your spank bank will be full of other images than the ex in no time.

6. Cry a lot. Like every day. Cry at home, at work, in bed, in your car, make the crying epic and don’t stop until your tear ducts are begging for mercy. Then cry some more. They tell me it stops eventually, the crying about the exes, and if I get there I will let you know (like I already said, I love you guys!) but as it stands now, I am still crying.

7. Gratitude. Someday your Prince will come. Or your Princess. Or both. Or they won’t. But today is all we have and just for today, I’m going to try and short circuit the brain wiring that tells me that no human being will ever love me again and be grateful that I don’t have to pee into a bag (though again, some of you may be into that, and if you are I fully support your choices and I’m sure there’s a website just for you though I don’t have a link handy at the present time.)


  1. Nice article, funny and true in the same time.
    These 7 rules are all right but sometimes, it’s really difficult to follow them. I guess I am also a love addicted. I can only forget an ex when I find another one that make me fall in love. It seems that I cannot stay without being in love for someone….

    • Yes. I relate. Things are always easier to simplify for comedy. Sometimes having sex with someone just makes me miss the original someone I was trying not to think about. Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself!

  2. To need these steps would require a good relationship that went bad at some point…since my marriage was based on a lie I didn’t have any of those feelings…although I did masturbate because it was fun…

  3. […] Even when limping back to the pride the next morning, wounded, tired, and depressed that once again the encounter was probably not going to lead to true love, I needed to remind myself that lions only make one kill out of six tries. My statistics were higher, but only if you don’t mean love, then I was batting a zero. Still I am left with rien to regrette. Also, lots of lion sex! […]

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