1. You vape on the way to yoga.
2. Your husband is a millionaire but looks like he lives on Skid Row.
3. You dress like a homeless mermaid.
4. You have swinging parties in your Ugg boots.
5. You have a surfboard on your Bentley’s roof rack.
6. Your kids go to the local public school and ski in Switzerland on vacation. (Surf in Hawaii in the summertime.)
7. You’re on a juice cleanse but you’re still doing fillers.
8. If you’re single you recognize all the 20-year-old surfers by their dick pics.
9. You see so many famous people every day you think they’re your friends.
10. Your grocery bill per week is $700.00, unless you drive over the hill to the Valley to Trader Joe’s.
11. Your kids complain when you drive to the Valley as if you were taking them to Iraq.
12. You see everyone without a cute license plate slogan like “BUMOMMY” or “ZUMAMA” or at least a “Malibu” license plate frame as a “foreigner.”
13. You’ll blow thousands of bucks on crazy summer camps so you don’t have to fight through the tourists on the beach.
14. You curse the tourists, while being secretly grateful to them for keeping the local stores in business.
15. You see people from Beverly Hills, Bel Air and Hancock Park as hopelessly snooty, even if they have less money than you.
16. You call anything that’s not Malibu or the Valley “town” even if it’s only twenty minutes away in Santa Monica you say, “ I have to drive into town.”
17. You don’t wear any make up other than concealer, and flip-flops daily unless you’re going into town.
18. You never wear your diamonds unless you’re going into town, unless you’re divorced in which case you’ve already sold your diamonds and are rocking some brass Om, Yin Yang or Peace symbols see #3.
19. You call everything North of Trancas Canyon “MAlabama” and people who live deep in the hills “Mali-billies” even if that means you.
20. In your car you NEVER honk your horn and always smile at people, even if you’re clinically depressed. Luckily because you’re always wearing sunglasses, no one can tell the difference…