1. Take a leisurely drive… down gorgeous and picturesque Pacific Coast Highway, adjacent to miles and miles of stunning blue/green coastline. Or just sit in your car. That’s technically driving right? You won’t actually be moving anywhere because of traffic but you will have a really nice view for several hours, or as long as your air conditioning holds out. You will also be able to view thousands of other people texting in their cars about the traffic.
2. Hit the beach… but please do try to give warning when you see that glorious, much vaunted parking space by the sand. Don’t just STOP SHORT, causing a three-car pileup like the one I was in last holiday weekend. Is it worth being rear-ended to stay in the lane closest to the ocean view? Hell yeah, America!
3. Have a barbecue… if you’re lucky enough to know one of the natives. Just make sure you pick up supplies before you get to Malibu or you will pay the local market prices- eighteen dollars for each potato that accompanies the seventeen hundred dollar sale price on the hand-fed-with-organic-microgreens flank steak.
4. Hit one of the sexy shopping mall areas – Cross Creek, The Malibu Colony, or Pt. Dume… once you finally get a parking space perhaps you can have a duel at dusk over who got to the counter first with one of the other people from the Valley. There is no “open carry” law in Malibu, but the private property signs will protect you from paparazzi who might get an accidental shot of you committing attempted murder for a straw tote that has “Malibu” embroidered in colorful ribbons.(Only $149.99- price slashed for Independence Day.)
5. Go celebrity spotting… if you have a long-range telescope or hunting binoculars, then you can see the celebrities in their houses where they are ensconced with their kale juice and cocaine. Any celebrity out in public in Malibu on a holiday weekend only comes specifically to get shot by the paps, before getting right back into their limos and heading back to Bel Air, Hollywood and Beverly Hills where they have the really good drugs.
6. Have some drinks… surely the police who stop you for a routine inspection as they randomly do all motorists on PCH will enjoy that story about how you just saw Paris Hilton vaping inside Sephora as they’re putting on your stylish cuffs.
7. Get a tan… in your car. Or if you make it to the beach, in extremely close proximity to other people and their screaming, over-hyped offspring.
8. Call your friends… just to let them know you’re in the ‘Bu, until your phone drops every second word and they think it’s terminal.
9. Come visit Malibu Mom- even if you get here at midnight… my kids are out of town, I went to Trader Joe’s and stocked up on nitrate-free lunchmeats and I don’t want to brag but there will be intermittent masturbating and napping.
10. Enjoy the fireworks… or wait, is that one of the locals’ breast implants exploding?
Happy 4th- just wanted to give you a heads up! XO