Masochist Seeks Sadist For Tense Walks On The Beach

Hi there! I like long walks on the beach holding hands with a narcissist. If you love yourself more than anyone else on earth, have no trouble putting your needs above anyone else’s and think your penis possesses magical properties, then I am in!

There’s nothing that turns a girl on more than mixed signals. Tell me I’m beautiful. Tell me how intelligent I am. Wax lyrical about my nether regions. Then turn around and ignore me. Nothing makes a lady feel treasured more than the old love-apathy one-two combo, it makes our heads spin in a most delightful way.

I think as a grown woman it’s important to know what you want, and to follow your heart, or at least some other internal organ. I know nothing gets my kidneys hopping like a guy who looks you in the eye and tells you he’s interested in more than a hook-up, only to find out that he meant “just” instead of “more than.”

And if you’re a guy who is super into yourself, rest assured that I will pole vault right onto that bandwagon. I’m so good at flattery, I should be teaching a Masters Degree in it; the key is sincerity. Once you have bewitched me, I will truly think you are a magical being that transcends human flaws, and I will lift you up higher than a name-him-yourself star. I don’t even have to know you, just show up and mumble something vaguely coherent, and I will project the rest.

Make sure you have lots of good excuses as to why we can’t see each other. “Work” is always a good one, as you can’t argue with a man’s G-d given American imperative to make a living, for twenty-four hours of every day. “Family/friends in town” or just “busy” are also excellent. The most important thing is to avoid HONESTY at all costs. Honesty is an icky habit that you have successfully avoided up until now, so why start? Don’t be honest, because I assure you, we ladies cannot handle it.

Perhaps all of this is coming out more bitterly than I had intended. I’ve had a great time being a complete slut, and it’s been a welcome distraction from what I didn’t want to face about myself and my life… it’s just that now I might be ready for something more, and I’m wondering why I’m most attracted to the kind of people who are predominantly attracted to themselves. I have a list of things I’m looking for in a potential partner, and in the meantime, I am diligently becoming someone I want to be around. Because ultimately, that is all any of us really has…

Photo by Shayne Blue

17 comments

  1. Awesome article… Always give me something to think about…but if experiences are okay as long as they lead to art…I should be a fucking Picasso…

  2. Don’t all men think their penises have magical powers. I’m so impressed with mine I had it audition to play Harry Potter’s wand!
    Is the fact that you live in So Cal any factor in meeting narsarsistic men. Not to generalise but seems like they may be a higher % than in other parts:-)

    • I think that’s all true! Also, I’m obviously deeply superficial (which is a contradiction in terms) and might be letting my eyes and vagina make decisions best left to my head, gut and heart.

      • Oh boy if I had a vagina id be making a lot of bad decisions on its behalf too:-)
        In all seriousness though, whenever I read your stuff I always think, there is someone who is really engaging with life. Balls deep in it, literally at times I guess! I know you would never allow yourself to be boring and that just means a bit of a rollercoaster. Your the ducks guts mate!

  3. MAGICAL PROPERTIES POSSESSED BY MY PENIS:

    1) Pass urine
    2) Shapechange from small to enormously average
    3) Raise the dead
    4) Shoot down spy satellites up to an altitude of 250 kilometers
    5) Prevent climate change
    6) Wrestle sharks
    7) Raid the refrigerator at three in the morning
    8) Make pants cry

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