10 Most Depressing Things About Having Kids

1. When they’ve hurt themselves and you can’t do anything other than sit there ineffectually holding ice while they look at you with accusing eyes (as if you made them fall down.)
2. They reflect all the bad qualities you’ve tried to smooth out in adulthood like that you’re an oversensitive klutz who doesn’t know when to quit a joke, and now here they are blowing your cover.
3. When they say “I hate you” to each other- it’s not like you’re not thinking it, but why do they get to say it out loud?
4. If you’re single, your dating pool is cut by 2/3 because who wants to have a relationship with a woman with kids? On the plus side, you don’t have to shave your legs.
5. You can’t turn them into your little slaves, because apparently there are laws that prevent this.

6. You can’t say what you really think e.g. “You ruined my life,” because kids have no sense of irony.
7. You can’t punch them in the mouth like you would any other adult human who tried to talk to you that way.
8. They love you, but it’s like the kind of love you get from animals that’s really about the fact that you’re the one feeding them.
9. For all the time you have put into understanding how they operate and how best to guide and help them, they have spent exactly zero time wondering who you are.
10. You can’t kill yourself, ever.
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