1. “Did you find everything okay?”
You get to the cashier at the supermarket and they invariably ask this. Um, if I didn’t find it I would have asked someone and if I didn’t it is likely I don’t have a voice box, so I can’t even tell you now what I was too stupid to find on my own.
2. “How’s that food tasting?”
Invariably you have spinach hanging out of your mouth or are in tears from a highly personal conversation or both when your chipper server interrupts with this urgent enquiry. Please chill you’re already getting a tip. If the food doesn’t taste good we will let you know, and likely would have let you know before eating half of it.
3. “All the good ones are taken.”
There are over 54 million single people in the United States, surely we can find one that’s right for our particular needs that’s not already married or sticking it out in a crappy relationship?
4. “Don’t take it personally.”
This is a cult propagated by Don Miguel Ruiz and his Four Agreements. I agree that ideally we wouldn’t take anything personally, people’s behavior says more about their own issues than blah blah blah- but people use it to explain friends who turn their backs on you, dudes who deceive/ignore/use you, and your kids talking to you like you’re something they stepped in. I’m sorry but I’m no longer medicated and am in possession of actual human emotions, so if you treat me like shit, I will, in fact, take it personally.
5. “I’m just really busy.”
Yes, you’re the fucking President- no one can accomplish what you do daily. Seriously, I’m just trying to contact you so I can present you with a plaque.
6. “White people’s problems.”
I’ve used this one myself but feel the time may have come to retire it. Pain is pain—people of all colors, creeds, races and religions experience it—and it is definitely all relative. I’m sure there’s a black woman somewhere who once overreacted about breaking her nail forgetting to be grateful she wasn’t living in a cardboard box.
This is not a word. It just doesn’t exist, and neither does “irregardless” nor the phrase “suppose to.” Also the word “commitment”- I believe that will be disappearing from the lexicon soon as I haven’t heard it mentioned in more than a decade…