In honor of the new trend for “curated” tasteful lives filled with slavishly acquired possessions designed to give the impression that one is not trying, I am starting my own lifestyle brand. This trend was started by Goopeth Paltrow and is now being fatuously continued by the lineage of Blake “Preserve My Lifestyle Or Give Me Death” Lively, and even though I am neither blonde nor famous, heck, why not me?
I know many land on Malibu Mom expecting to find recipes for summer mocktails with fey names like “Zuma Dusk,” or tips on which beach is best to see whales in July, instead getting the shadowy underbelly of Lifestyles of the Rich and Clueless, led by a frequently depressed mom who acts out sexually to avoid the drudgery of parenting, and is not even from Malibu, having settled here as a Russian Australian Jew five years ago and snapped up the URL before it could be poached by someone more equestrian. The sunsets in my mocktails are most definitely chemical.
Nevertheless I am the High Priestess (Rabbi) of a certain kind of attitude, where honesty is favored over phoniness, and this might be aspirational, especially for those of us (all of us) who find ourselves in a culture frequently forced to be full of shit because if we are not, we will lose friends and influence people to fire us. In my experience, America the Brave is just as often about STFU and toe the company line, because there are far too many über competitive, Ivy-educated little yuppy cunts ready to take your place should you misstep and actually express an unpopular opinion. For all that First Amendment crap I’ve been force fed since I landed in this great country, I still find myself lacking the diplomacy that is required to blend into life amongst America’s parents, whose denial is impervious to my barbed attempts at reason, which may be seen as “negativity.”
Okay California, I don’t want to bring you down, dude.
So here they are- the only five products you will need for a delicious, happy and spiritually evolved Malibu summer and all ranging in price from free to fifty-eight bucks. I am sincere in recommending these products, even the woo woo ones, as I am nothing if not woo woo, though perhaps next time I will recommend truffled truffles in truffle sauce, just in case you need something a little fancier. Even though I do not have a staff of marketers, designers and copywriters, I have somehow managed to group these products/ideas based on the five senses:
1. SMELL-If your olfactory sensitivity is anywhere near mine, most fragrances, room fresheners and deodorants render you anywhere from nauseous to homicidal. Hence www.scentsofpurpose.org and their “wearable candles.” All natural essential oils with sublime smells, but blow them out and you can actually dip your fingers in the wax and use it as skin cream (or you can dab them liberally on each other for the sexy sex.)
2. TASTE- Beachycream ice cream was started here in Malibu by mom Ann Ryan in 2009 and uses only organic and locally sourced ingredients. If you’re in Santa Monica you can go to the location on Wilshire Blvd, find them in a bunch of CA grocery stores or cater a party complete with a 50’s pin-up and her ice cream cart.
3. TOUCH- The Gentle Persuasions Paddle is the perfect compliment for a playful summer. One side is fake fur, and the other side is leather, so you can mix all kinds of options for comfort, pleasure or pain.
4. HEARING- The Love Tuner necklace resonates at 528 hz, which is believed to repair DNA and can be blown any time for an instant Zen check-in, which beats taking a Xanax. You can get a personal one at lovetuner.com or tune into the frequency here.
5. SIGHT- Go to the beach. Look out at the ocean. Watch the birds. They are free, and also free. Or turn on the fan and check out this beach scene online. Imagine. Repeat.