Thank you for reviewing my application to be your girlfriend. I place a lot of time and effort into being someone whom someone else might potentially want to make a life with, so I appreciate your attention in this matter. I particularly enjoyed the part when you choked me while I was blowing you-out of all the negotiations-this will definitely remain a highlight…
Unfortunately it is clear that I am too emotionally high maintenance, not just for you, but for any human living on the planet today. While I can do an excellent impression of someone who needs no verbal, physical or emotional reassurance (choking notwithstanding) it emerges that I cannot keep up this facade for long. Eventually, the needy little corners start escaping where I tucked them (heck I would use a nail gun to tamp down those suckers) at which point anyone in their right minds goes screaming into them thar hills… Or at least, you did. (Once someone married me- but that was a long time ago.)
You see, despite the fascinating entries in my questionnaire including speaking five languages, playing concert level classical piano and an impressive wit (not to mention the unusually robust gag reflex) it emerges that at my core I am simply a rather emotional human being who seeks to love and be loved. I understand that this is not conducive to your needs at this time, but regrettably (for some reason) as soon as I slept with you for the first time I got somewhat “attached.” Which is odd because I have banged many a stranger with nary an emotion; I guess some things defy explanation.
In closing, I have enjoyed the interview process immensely, even as I wondered for days on end whether I would be called in for second and third “auditions” or moved up to “producer” level, and have no regrets, even if it emerges that things will not be proceeding further. I will add that I see your incredible qualities, as well as your flaws, and if it were up to me, would overlook those to fulfill all that this position entails. I believe that the joys would outweigh the frustrations, but then again, I have been proven to have terrible judgment in the area of girlfriend employment so what the fuck do I know?
Once again, I thank you for your consideration in this matter and if anything, would like you to know that this is also YOUR LOSS. You see, when I love someone, I love completely, unreservedly and unabashedly, and I have plenty of this life force to give the right employer, or should I say- co-worker, as one day, when you discover what it is that happens when two people actually take the risk of falling in love, there is no power, or control, or avoiding, or intellectualizing, or judgment- there is just something beautiful and fun and vulnerable and I wish that for you, even as I mourn the loss of my potential employment.
Furthermore, despite the numerous sexual encounters of the last twenty-two months since my marriage imploded, I have calculated that I have spent 200 out of the last 210 nights sleeping ALONE. The good news is I do not have to apply or qualify to sleep with myself, nor to fuck myself, and I do this nightly, and as such it is sort of a perfect arrangement. I can continue to meet my own needs without wishing on a star that died many millennia ago, but is still flickering uselessly in the sky, trying to convince me of the possibility that your beautiful eyes would actually “see” me.
Best of luck in your future endeavors (especially to find a candidate as awesome as I am) and hope you enjoy fucking yourself as I will be fucking myself, literally.
Your Last Redhead