I Wore Out My Vibrator And Other Metaphors

Last Valentine’s Day, I spent a week reviewing sex toys, because I love you. I wanted to see what was out there, by putting it in here. It is now August and I have gotten plenty of use out of the array of toys I was furnished with by The Stockroom, but one has emerged as the clear favorite. It is the one I titled the “Get You In The Mood Vibe” because even if you weren’t in the mood for sex (and I always am) this vibrator would get you there. And now, it is starting to let me down. This baby is called the G-Vibe, but I just call it “The closest thing I’ve had to a boyfriend this year.” Actually I don’t have to call it anything, that’s the good part about electronic equipment that gets you off, you don’t have to talk to it, or ask it about its day, or hear its boring work details. As long as it’s charged, it will be there for you, and you can be as rough with it as you want without thinking it might judge you or tell its friends that you’re a slut, or complain that you’re “emasculating.”

I have been noticing for the past weeks that the action on the vibrator has become a little erratic and I liked it. The vibrating pattern became more and more unpredictable, and because I’m not paying attention to anything other than my own orgasm, I just thought I had found a different setting called “random.” I have loved it because it is even more like being with a real person—you never know how and when they will touch you next, which is totally hot, unless they don’t know either. That is not hot, it’s just “tentative” which is about as arousing as a thousand spiders crawling around on your body scouting locations to lay eggs.

In the last week one of the prongs on the G-Vibe would cut out without warning, until I moved positions somewhat, then it would resume its arrhythmic thumping. This started out fun but quickly became very frustrating. I would be right on the verge of an orgasm and… just … a little… more… WHAT THE FUCK? I’ve been with certain people who would change positions with their mouths or hands or bodies, right when you were about to come, and I don’t know how someone picks up this lousy habit, but it seemed that my vibrator somehow had. Not. Happy.

So I don’t know what to do now. What is the procedure for returning a vibrator? What’s the warranty on this thing? Do I have to bring it back with a receipt like you do at Target? And more importantly, should I be worried that I am so sexually demanding I wear out inanimate, mechanical objects? How is any mere human being ever going to compete? Maybe the G-Vibe is just emotionally exhausted from my endless demands, all the crying when I have a really good orgasm, or to release the memories of old lovers, or the hours of repetitive strain. And after all this time with the same trusty companion, can you really blame me for anthropomorphizing?

10 comments

  1. I once saw an adult store in Schenectady NY that advertised New and Used latex items and toys…closest I ever came (pun intended) to your experience was spraining my wrist…since I prefer reading my porn as opposed to viewing it, I never learned to be ambidextrous; although I would’ve given my right arm to be one that week…you always take us on an interesting jorney…I’ve wanted to use that spelling since I saw your 40 year old post…!

  2. I can’t help by think it’s sad that I sat here looking at my screen for several minutes trying to think of something incredibly thought-provoking about humans need for sex and how masturbation seems just as gratifying now as it was the thousands of other times I took advantage of the time I had with myself. Yet, all I came up with were terrible puns? I mean, would women really want a chocolate and toffee flavored vibrator called a ‘Tobler-bone”?

  3. OMG this is hilarious! But seriously, I would write to them and ask for a new one. Because, obviously, it did the trick for several months. Why not give its twin brother a try?

  4. […] have written about hook-ups with Millenials, group sex, getting off with toys, BDSM and being a MILF, mostly out of a desire to claim that porn search word as an actual powerful […]

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