What Women Want

Ha! Made you look! I have no fucking idea what women want. I know there are experts out there charging thousands to tell you they know, but guess what? They don’t know. No one knows. We women do not know what we want, and just when we think we’ve figured it out, it changes. The sexy lesbian I was seeing for a while would like to know what women want and SHE IS A WOMAN. She should know, right? No. She doesn’t know. It is a deep dark story worthy of a 12-part National Geographic investigative piece.

“Way below the Arctic Tundra lies a mystery no human has ever solved; come as we journey beneath the deep, to find traces of the pre-historic primate Expectationus Disappointus, to see if studying her DNA code can give us all a clue about what these bitches are thinking.”

So here’s my list of what I want, not in order. Maybe other women want this too- please let me know in the comments. Until then, as usual, I shall be rubbing out orgasms and telling myself it all gets better…

1. A man to build me a log cabin with his bare hands, in between tending to his kale garden. (I will rub kale leaves all over my body, I will come on kale.)
2. A man who can slaughter something for us to eat in the cabin with our kale, maybe a chicken, or a wild boar, even though I’m a Jew and have no business eating pig. (I will give it a pagan blessing I swear.)
3. A guy who looks good in a suit.
4. A glorious young fuck stud who can hold his load for an hour, and goes down on me like he’s reciting the entire New Testament with his tongue.
5. An athletic idiot jock who will throw a ball around with my kids for hours, so I can go get a massage.
6. A surfer with long hair and a couple of Phd’s.
7. An empath who will pull my hair while he fucks me in the ass.
8. A Shaman capable of banishing all my negative thoughts who accepts and embraces my darkness.
9. Someone who’s tried crack, heroin, LSD, meth, and iowaska but doesn’t have a drug problem.
10. A guy who will spend literally hours talking about feelings—his feelings, my feelings, everyone’s feelings.

11. Someone who doesn’t take themselves seriously.
12. Someone who takes themselves seriously.
13. A dude who’s not obsessed with working out.
14. A dude with the body of an Adonis.
15. A guy who is not afraid to cry.
16. A manly man.
17. A nerd.
18. A CEO.
19. A house husband.
20. Someone who loves me even though I don’t love myself.

Is that so much to ask?
Is that so much to ask?


  1. Fuck…I am all of the even ones and none of the odds. Or, actually I’m half of some odds and half of some evens…yet more of evens than odds. Ugh. Just found an even of which I am none and an odd of which I am all. Is this chiseled into a rock already?

  2. Guys want the following traits in a woman…blow jobs followed by silence….(in that order unless there’s telepathy involved)…the rest we can find on TV…

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