Why He Doesn’t Text Back

1. He has been hit by lightning twice in quick succession, the first time rendering him amnesiac, the second nuking his phone, so even when he regains his memory from the first strike, he has no record of your text.
2. He would rather pour a bucket of ice-cold sardines over his head (not for charity) than date a woman with kids.
3. His thumbs have become disabled from nerve damage he sustained from jerking off too much. He tried texting with his fingers, but his friends made fun of him mercilessly, so he had to quit because he didn’t have the strength of character to stand up to them.
4. He heard from your ex-husband who let him know that in ten or eleven years you’re not going to be very nice to him.
5. He’s an unworthy dick-cheese receptacle who doesn’t understand that you are way above his pay grade.
6. He’s an unworthy dick-cheese receptacle who understands that you are way above his pay grade.
7. In the intervening years since you last dated and with the advent of texting, the world and humans have devolved into uncivilized barbarians with no discernible manners. You should be happy he didn’t shoot you.
8. Although appearing to be a human, the guy you chose to text with is actually a sack of skin containing electrical synapses designed by NASA and the FBI as an experiment to drive women slowly insane.
9. Despite all the years of therapy, and your apparent charm, it is clear to him that you are not emotionally stable and he has been afraid of crazy women since his mother tied him to his crib with piano wire.
10. He’s dead. (This one is preferable.)


  1. I’m assuming this is TAS (text after sex)…because when a guy is looking to get laid he’ll type faster and more often than the morse code guy on the Titanic…

  2. 11) He WOULD have called you back, but every time he thinks about you he has to rub one out, and is thus incapable of texting. The rest of the time, he’s in a post-orgasm dopamine coma.

    Which is admittedly the same as #3, more or less.

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