Why They Didn’t Text Back

Around the holiday people can become sentimental about being part of a couple, partly for the added warmth, Yuletide orgasms and family-buffering services a significant other provides. Some even call this “cuffing season,” presumably meaning said couple will be over by January 2. So it can be doubly devastating when someone doesn’t respond to a text with no explanation. If you’ve ever been ghosted, especially around the holidays, here’s a possible guide as to why:

1. Your love object has been hit by lightning twice in quick succession, the first strike rendering them amnesiac, the second nuking their phone so even when they regain their memory they have no record of your text.
2. Your sexer heard you had/wanted/spoke to some kids and got spooked by the pressure of  having to buy extra Christmas presents.
3. Your paramour’s thumbs have become disabled from nerve damage sustained from to much whacking. They tried texting with just their fingers, but their friends made fun of their texting technique mercilessly, so they had to quit, not having the strength of character to stand up to their friends, so good riddance!
4. They heard from your ex- who let them know that in ten minutes/months/years you’re not going to be very nice to them.
5. They’re an unworthy dick-cheese receptacle who is clueless about/intimidated by you being way above their pay grade.
6. What started as baked ham poisoning, turned into a Mersa infection and they’re on an apparatus at the hospital that only allows them to check their social media periodically not that you’re monitoring their Facebook posts or anything no siree.
7. Despite all your years of therapy and apparent charm, it’s clear to your FWB that you’re not emotionally stable and they’ve been afraid of crazy people since someone in their family of origin tied them to their crib with piano wire on Christmas Eve.
8. With the advent of texting, the world and humans have devolved into uncivilized barbarians with no discernible manners. Considering this, you should be happy this person didn’t shoot you with an easily obtainable firearm. Happy New Year!
9. Although appearing to be a human, the person you chose to text with is actually a lab manufactured skin sack rendered with convincing electrical synapses designed by NASA and the FBI as an experiment to drive other humans insane.
10. The person you fucked who is not texting you is dead. (This one is preferable.)

In conclusion, this woman/dude/other gender has given you the ultimate gift by ghosting. Now all you have to do, is treat them like the ghost they have shown themselves to be, and exorcise ’em…

Susanna Brisk is a Sexual Intuitive® who coaches clients on how to get most of their needs met, most of the time. Email her HERE with a question, or to set up a Skype or IRL session.


  1. I’m assuming this is TAS (text after sex)…because when a guy is looking to get laid he’ll type faster and more often than the morse code guy on the Titanic…

  2. 11) He WOULD have called you back, but every time he thinks about you he has to rub one out, and is thus incapable of texting. The rest of the time, he’s in a post-orgasm dopamine coma.

    Which is admittedly the same as #3, more or less.

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