I’m Taking A Hiatus From Fucking (Or A Fucking Hiatus)

Some time ago I woke up and realized I was done with casual sex, if there even is such a thing. Some time after that, I had a little more of it. While those experiences were sufficiently juicy, this time I knew I was done for good. In the last week, I finally bit the virtual bullet and started dating on an actual site and despite the temptation of hooking up with this gentleman… I’m sorry, sir, but I am no longer DTF.

I know this is confusing as I have been such a champion for sex-positive blah blah blah, and I still am! I want everyone on earth to be having earth shatteringly good sex (less wars, more babies) and wish women especially a magical cure for whatever it is that stops them from ascending the orgasmacoaster, I just don’t need to personally participate right now. Or not until I really get to know someone- like their brain and their heart, before I even begin to go lower. Don’t worry, I haven’t found Jesus, though if you know a hot guy with long hair and sandals you should definitely send him my way. Just not if he lives in Topanga Canyon and has a “spirit name.”

Perhaps I have just become more of a sex connoisseur, not as keen on the high fructose corn syrup of fucking– gives you a hit briefly, then you want more, even though it was kind of junky to begin with, because science. Women and sex are like lab rats with the reward chemicals of oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins and I guess I got tired of being experimented on. Mad scientists are sexy and all, but I think I would like my next one to be more “harmless nerd,” less “dissecting-me-like-a-frog-in-formaldehyde-and-leaving-me-dead-on-a-slab.”

Of course celibacy doesn’t include self-pleasuring, if it did you could go ahead and shoot me, as I can’t see a life worth living that doesn’t include frequent orgasms. But this has been the longest I haven’t had sex since my previous hiatus, after the last relationship ended in a fire and brimstone spectacular of melted synapses (do you smell sulphur or is it just me?) and also the longest I have been single since I was sixteen years old. It is bumpy, and weird and painful, but I will totally let you know if my hymen grows back.

The downside is that I am even more easily aroused than before (how is that even possible?) because I’m not used to being touched except by people under eleven, or my female friends whom I’m not attracted to. I can’t trust myself to hug the guy who sold me my car for too long (I mean it’s a nice car but it ain’t that nice) or get a massage (pretty sure I left a DNA sample on the table today) or if a vegan unemployed screenwriter brushes my hand while handing me my kid’s gluten-free pizza. So basically I’m going to have to turn into an Orthodox Jew. Oy the irony!

Come on, enough about sex- let’s get our priorities straight here. Maybe I just want to focus on raising my kids… Nah. Just masturbating…

I bet he says that to all the girls...
I bet he says that to all the girls…

18 comments

  1. There was a time, as a young man in my early 20s, when sex was utterly mystical and something that only occurred when women bestowed it upon me. Each time a relationship ended I was completely bereft as I had no idea when the ‘next’ time would be. In my early thirties I had it all worked out and could finally read all of the signals that had been so glaringly invisible to me as a younger guy. It was like mastering a Rubiks cube. And I totally flaunted it for a few years, indulging in the power of being a Rubiks master (as it were). Then it got boring. Or rather, even in the most mutually noncommittal scenarios, no matter how fun, there seemed to be a level of energy dispensed which was emotionally exhausting. It suddenly became easier not to go there and have to deal with the back pedalling than to go there and have to ‘manage’ yet another situation

    • I never knew men thought this way. This really parallels my experience- except instead of your early 20’s part of “not getting laid”, I was married and monogamous starting at age 23, and for a long time really happy. After the marriage I “got my wings” as it were, but I am tired of managing situations! This is different to women not feeling empowered enough to explore sexually and enjoy it as much as men are allowed to do. The fact that I have come around to the same place is just… a bunch of irony, n’est ce pas?

  2. My first inclination is to make some joke about this not sounding like the Susanna I’ve come to hardly know, but then I start thinking about the larger implications of what is being said and I talk myself out of doing so.

    I can’t really add much to Adrian’s comment above, but I am always surprised when women are surprised that men think this way. Then again, society says that all men think about is sex, and all women think about is finding their true love. We all know that is not true now (or, never was), and thinking in that black and white world has really fucked up male/female relationships/communication.

    It is a lot more common nowadays that people understand it’s not about the gender as much as it is about the individual, in regards to sex. We all think about it. We all want it. We even want it with people with whom we probably never will. But, there will always be those that will want nothing but sex their whole lives. There will be those who abstain and never want it. There will always be those of us who search for meaningful connection, and while one-night stands can be awesome, they can certainly have lasting effects–the effect on me was always about what I did so wrong that she doesn’t want to see me again (I later would find out that the person had just broken up, or that she was in a relationship. So, it was not as difficult, but the sting was still there).

    So after curbing my appetite to inject humor and actually write this alternate comment, I think I am going to go read a little Nietzsche and masturbate.

    • The only thing I would disagree with is that we all want sex. There are many people who are either repressed or asexual or have been so hurt or burned that they don’t want sex, don’t think about it, have shame around it and consequently just put it out of their minds (I don’t know how they accomplish this.) And also Nietzsche is totally hot!

  3. I can’t write as well or as long as you guys today so I’ll just say this: I always equated sex with love…and that would explain why I seldom fucked my wife…

  4. […] The problem is that when you reduce people to the mere sum of their parts, they will do the same to you. And I was much more comfortable with that when I was twenty years old and still a fashion model, with neither kids nor laugh lines, and also with no fucking clue what life was about. Not that I long for those days, even if I could have them. Besides the fact that I’m aging pretty well, I would be loathe to go back and do it all again even if I could. And I’m not sure there is anything I could or would do differently. Which either means that I have no regrets for a life well lived, or just that I’m fucking tired. (Or tired of fucking.) […]

  5. […] single thing in that little bedroom, including who gets to sleep there with me, and that would be NO-ONE. And though tonight it may once again prove difficult to manage the thoughts that run through my […]

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