1. He has the abs of a nineteen-year-old water polo player, the IQ of Kofi Anan and, in the words of the immortal modern day poetess Taylor Swift, hella good hair.
2. He has the wisdom of a 60-year-old military veteran, without the PTSD.
3. He is independently wealthy- not because I care about money- but so he doesn’t have to work and can just sit adoringly by my side. All. Fucking. Day. (When he’s not cooking meals for myself and my children.)
4. He knows how to parent instinctively- though his Masters in Spiritual Psychology has definitely proven helpful.
5. He is quick with compliments, especially when I am bloated with PMS.
6. He wants to fuck all the time and has no responsibilities that get in the way of full-time fucking.
7. He is a gondolier. For our first anniversary I get him a gondola which we dock at a nearby pier.
8. It’s not that he’s needy, it’s that he can’t live without me.
9. He accepts the fact that I have a touch of mental illness, in fact, it turns him on slightly.
10. He doesn’t exist in human form, but perhaps he will be the iPhone 17.