Men – Fucking Me Over Since 1989

It was September 3, 1989 and my first boyfriend had just put his (drunk) penis into my (inebriated) vagina. He had a condom on, but it didn’t protect my heart. The next morning, I expected to wake up in his arms, instead I wandered out to find him talking to another girl at the cast after-party where we had both stayed over. He had told me I was also going to be his “first” (as he was mine) but it turned out he lied. Can you believe it? A guy lying? Turns out he had already fucked the girl I found him talking to weeks before, and there had been others. I dumped him three weeks later for his friend, and he went back to her, no harm/no foul, right? Ah… 15 and 16 year olds and their games of musical beds (when we had access to beds.) It almost makes me nostalgic. The trouble is, not much has changed.

Here’s a real non-newsflash—men will deceive you to sleep with you—even if they have to lie to themselves to do it. And I am as naïve as I was at 15, if not more so. Say what you want about women, they don’t generally lie and say they want a relationship when they don’t. Or maybe some cold bitches do, but no one I’ve ever been close to. Men have a unique set-up between dick and brain and heart, where usually only one is functioning at a time. I see it in my young sons who are not even in puberty yet; they are already trying to maneuver girls to do what they want. Good luck.

As once again my heart is impaled on the spike of my own desire, I guess I have three choices:

1. Go on a revenge trampage of epic proportions, finding the youngest dudes, with the LARGEST penises in Los Angeles, to get at least get one of my needs met.
2. Stop dating forever because I know for a fact I cannot survive another one of these heartbreak thingies.
3. Love myself, care for myself, treat myself and my children well, and WAIT. Wait for G-d to show me I am my own soulmate. Wait until my life looks more like I want it to. Wait until the circumstances change within me enough, spiritually, emotionally and physically, to stop attracting people who are DAMAGED.

You see there is a thing called “Love Avoidance,” and it’s a paradoxical thing. It looks like someone coming on strong, demanding your vulnerability, pursuing and charming you, and then, just when they have you, starting to withdraw. The shift is imperceptible to a normal person, until later when it becomes more pronounced. Even a normal person eventually realizes they are with a person who is incapable of connecting emotionally to them. Even a normal person eventually notices they are in a relationship with themselves (and not in the good way.)

But I am not a normal person. I am what could be described as a “love addict” which means that any small shift in my “partner’s” demeanor feels seismic to me. As my needs did not get met as a child, I am an expert at discerning when someone is full of shit in the intimacy department. As much as I fear intimacy, I am capable of it. Whatever my other flaws (and I have many) I am also affectionate, forgiving, supportive, highly sexual and when I love, I love hard. And then there’s that point when I know, “It’s happening again,” and the trauma begins. Aren’t I just the luckiest girl at the dance?

There is no solution for this, no cure. I have had twenty years plus of therapy (including 18 months twice a week group and individual at UCLA) do yoga, meditate, attend a few twelve-step groups, have worked and worked on this, but the trauma does not budge. Since my previously solid marriage (not to a love avoidant) went wrong, I have attracted almost exclusively this “type.” My gains are strictly behavioral- I don’t cling, I don’t suffocate and I don’t complain- but the key with a love avoidant is I DON’T HAVE TO. They already feel like I am, because they are simply re-living something that happened with MAMA, long before I ever got on the scene. Mama, that cunt.

Certainly those who read this blog often know which of the three options will be most entertaining and perhaps there will be a few hot, young dudes messaging me here directly. I will look forward to that. Unfortunately, much as I love my readers, I do not live to titillate you. Not sure what I live for right now, as every time this happens I seriously lose my bearings in the world, but I know my kids need their mother, at least until bedtime, and then for another eight and 7/12 years. Pray for me, light some incense, or chant through a mala, would ya? G-d knows I fucking need it.

Another relationship crashes and burns.
Another relationship crashes and burns.

9 comments

  1. What is the term where I assume in advance that a woman will enjoy me for a short time, then find some other guy who is younger and an asshole, but because he is hotter and wants to be less attached than I do? That was my last three relationships.

    But, like you, my kids also need me, and I often lose myself in their world. I don’t know what I would do without them. And, I am sure you have that, “Holy fuck! These kids are driving me fucking nuts!” feeling plenty.

    Yet, I was feeling down on myself recently. REALLY down. I mean below the bottom down. That’s when my daughter sat down next to me, put her arm around me, and the bottom was suddenly below me rather than above.

    I may not always get to live for myself, but that moment and many others….well, like I said, I don’t know what I would do without them.

    • Jesus that sucks. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize women could be such cunts- it’s not you- they just weren’t the right woman I’m sure. Yes my kids save me. You should see some of the unsolicited advice I am getting on Facebook. It’s absolutely floors me and also makes me want to permanently delete my Facebook account. Where did I say “please give me advice?” How do people assume they know what happened in my last “relationship” when they weren’t there, and I hardly know?

      • I just looked, as I hadn’t read the comments earlier. Of course, no idea who are the people you know and don’t know. Not that it matters, because as you say, NONE of them were there. But, nah…don’t delete the account. Believe it or not, you’re one of the people I check in with on Facebook and make it a point to, because I want to see if you’ve posted a new entry/pic/sarcastic comment/stroke of genius…

        I have a person who comments on tons of my shit, and no idea who he is other than some guy. Mostly ignore it, because I do get annoyed by him, but he is harmless and doesn’t start arguments with other people, and just has fun and enjoys my lame “jokes”.

        As for the dating advice people like to offer, fuck ’em. I like to think they are trying to help, even when they don’t need to, or shouldn’t. Ah, the nature of people to try and help when it’s not needed. I think it’s like when someone loses a loved one (pets included), and everyone has advice on how to cope, when all you want is to tell people and allow them to let you heal on your own. But, I think they just want to help–even in their own awkward, uninvited ways.

        And, yes, I just equated death and ending relationships.

        But, I also grew a little there…I also saw good in people. Yay me!!!

      • The woman telling me to take A YEAR off dating is the same one who told me when I was depressed some months back that I should go get electroshock. Block or not block? I don’t want to lose a fan but OH MY G-D shut the fuck up lady.

  2. Weird. It would not let me respond to your last comment and I had to start a new thread. The Reply button disappeared. I remember the electroshock deal. Weird fucking people. I have no advice on what to do with that one. The electroshock comment would have been one that I simply blasted back to with some sarcastic comment that would have been half insulting/half whatever/half just kidding (yes, I know that’s three halves). Maybe don’t block, but perhaps just take her down a bit next time…or, let me do it. 🙂

  3. In your list of 3 choices, I like choice 1.5. 1 is an extreme in one direction. 2 is one in another. 3 is to wait. Waiting is, well, hopeful (I’ll give it that). But it depends on what the word “waiting” has meant to you in the past. Like, when you’ve “waited” in the past, what were you actually doing (while waiting).

  4. […] I want to see what happens when I take all of it away- the casual sex, the relationships with unavailable men, the seductiveness with people who sell me juice. Who am I without all that? I don’t know about […]

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