I’m in this incredible new relationship, and I know people hate it when others gloat about their love affairs, but I just have to do it because it’s nothing like anything I’ve experienced before. It’s not completely without difficulty or conflict, in fact, ever day is a challenge, but there is so much love, acceptance and joy that I just had to share it. The thing I can’t believe most is that I have been in such proximity to my lover for MY ENTIRE LIFE and didn’t even know it. All this time, I was waiting to encounter a love so complete, so safe, so spiritual, and yet I couldn’t see it. You see, my eyes were turning outwards, when they should have been turning inwards. And then it happened, like it does in the old movies, but because this is California it was without the standing in the rain part; I fell in love with myself.
I’m not talking about my outer self, although I am certainly my type, what with the hair, and the body still looks pretty good, and the smile is pretty stellar. And I like my mind and my sense of humor and kindness and some other things. But like all true loves, this love takes place on a much deeper level, a place where there are no words, no rationalizations and no “personality.” It’s a place full of light, and there I found myself, where I had been residing all along, just waiting for me to find me.
This new relationship is addictive. This morning I didn’t even want to get out of bed, I just wanted to snuggle. I didn’t want to go on Facebook or the Internet, or grab a kid, or a person, or a warm body to make it all right. I just wanted to lie in the warmth of my own embrace, savoring every moment of my own heart. (I tried to tongue kiss myself, but it’s tricky.) After all the rejection, the hatred, the judgment I have focused on myself, it felt so good to just surrender. And then the tears came, not tears of self-pity, but a kind of regret at ALL I PUT MYSELF THROUGH. And the fear that I have given my kids the message inadvertently that they are not good enough, or not enough, or even too much, exactly as they are, which if I have, is a perception I now have to spend the rest of my life working to correct. (But I can only focus on today, because why throw someone you love into that much overwhelm?)
Why do we do it? Why are we so savage towards ourselves? What kind of machine is this body we are all trying to operate that, despite being so unreliable in some ways, has such a reliable self-hate button? I have crossed the chasm of blaming myself for every single thing that has ever gone wrong in life, and all I hope for you, is that your self-hate button grows cobwebs on it from lack of use. (Not that you should now turn around and blame everyone else, that would make you an asshole, and the world needs no more of those.) I have written so much about the benefits of masturbating, pleasuring yourself being an essential way to love the body you have and find out with utmost curiosity what that body can do. But without a loving mindset, it can be mechanical, or an escape, something to distract you from self-love instead of deepening it. Make sure you whack with ardor, tenderness and affection, because you’re worth it!
I can see more than a few people in my life rolling their eyes at this post. Hard. Couldn’t care less. I’m just not as fascinated with my own darkness anymore, and prefer to focus on the light. We all deserve to love ourselves, if we could only see it, but how? I am going to re-trace my steps to how I got “here,” knowing that, like Dorothy I was home all along, and that “here” is not a place to get but an ever deepening sense that everything is okay, and going to be so, no matter what life may bring. My intention is that you guys can get to your place of adoring yourselves, even if it’s by the light of my iPhone’s flashlight. Follow me, you brave and wonderful souls, and you’ll know when you get there because there will be so much light, you won’t need even need that flashlight at all…