A Word On Phone- Cyber- and Email-Stalking And Other 21st Century Fuckery

When someone says they don’t want to hear from you they mean it, unless you’re in tenth grade and it’s totally prom tonight. Then they are probably playing a little game and totes want you to call, bro. If you’re an adult, you may think you’re being “charming” or “helpful” but you may have just charmed yourself into a police report. Leave your ex alone! All they want for Christmas is NOT you. In a related note, maybe I should finally change my phone number? I’ve had it for over ten years. When your blocked caller list as as long as your contacts it might be time to start fresh.

I recently met Ron Jeremy and spent a day, evening and phone call interviewing him. Check out the picture on Instagram, as I finally joined that cult. I’m working on editing the interview (he talks a lot) and figuring out if it should be audio, podcast, or written, or a combination. It’s fucking hilarious, by the way, as is he. If you want to come over and help me edit, I would appreciate that. Not if you’re a guy who wants to fuck though. I didn’t sleep with the guy with the biggest penis on the planet (or one of them) so I’m probably not in that head space right now, but thanks. A side note to the dudes who text or Facebook a woman intermittently to “check in” with the word “Hi” or “Hey” to see if she’s willing to have sex with you yet, all I can say is “Good luck with that approach.” (That’s how my blocked call list got so long.)

I’ve thought about sending out an automatic text message:
Congratulations! You have been added to Susanna’s blocked call list. This is a much vaunted list that includes a variety of candidates, from hot surfer types to captains of industry, sometimes even both in one. Susanna wants to thank you for your time, has no hard feelings, and wishes you luck with your future endeavors!

But I’m not techy enough to make that message pop up automatically, I don’t want to engage and the truth is that 99% of the people I’ve blocked were probably never going to text me again – I just blocked them as a way to feel in control. Control- my new addiction. Guess it beats cupcakes.

In terms of blowback from the trampage, consequences could always have been worse, so I should accept it all without complaint. Except that’s not really my style. (Certainly not without comment.) Sometimes that’s what women do when they get out of marriages, find out they are MILFs, and sex is available as the world’s most effective panacea. I’m not ashamed, but I may still be a little dazed by all the dicks. “Dazed By the Dicks- The Susanna Brisk Story.” I like it, has a nice ring. Probably not ready to “date” right at this moment, though I may be ready to try Lithium. (Ha!) When I am ready, please “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You.” I promise, you guys will be the first to know…

9 comments

  1. I do appreciate the distinction of being on your block list while having no desire to fuck you. 😜 I legitimately enjoyed both the conversation and adoration. Your writing is still supremely enjoyable.

    • Ha! People wanting to fuck me is still flattering. What you were looking for was more than anyone could provide. If I can’t get a boyfriend, I’m always happy to gain a reader.

      • What was I looking for? 😉 What I’ve always been curious about though is am I actually blocked or do you just not trust yourself to respond?

      • Congratulations! You have been added to Susanna’s blocked call list. This is a much vaunted list that includes a variety of candidates, from hot surfer types to captains of industry, sometimes even both. Susanna wants to thank you for your time, has no hard feelings, and wishes you luck with all your future endeavors!

  2. Added? Aw that’s cute sweetheart (I was already there, but I appreciate the effort) I am still enraptured by all you do. You are intelligent, creative, and g-d witty.

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