Hey ladies and also the menz, do you want to make your partner scream “ho ho ho!” this holiday season, but only if they’re into that? Seems like you can’t approach this time of year without the ever-present jingles playing whenever you need to buy underwear, crazy hype trying to force you to buy more underwear, and the sexpert media extolling you to have “the best sex of your life.” So in the spirit of giving, I offer you my Hot Sex Tips For The Holidays, which can also be re-purposed for other times of year as “Hot Sex Tips For Martin Luther King Day” or “Sex Tricks To Drive Your Easter Bunny Wild.”
1. Mistletoe- Kiss your person, but only if you see that indication dangling over their heads. Consider how lucky you are to have a person to kiss, even if it’s only your third cousin in the bathroom at Chanukah dinner (the Old Testament is full of incest) just don’t slobber on them like they’re a Christmas ham.
2. The Miracle of Chanukah- A Festival of Caressing will make your lady burn for you eight times as long* (*unscientific estimate.) Make like Helen Keller and treat your love object like Braille.
3. Unwrap Their Present- Find the other person’s genitals. I know it can be tricky with all that colorful wrapping or deceptive styrofoam peanuts, but you can find that package! They (the genitalia) will be somewhere below the waist, and may or may not contained by underwear, depending on if your date is naughty or nice. (I vote naughty.)
4. Eggnog Ladle or Candy Cane- Manipulate the genitals manually, or penetrate using an implement that’s handy this time of year. Be creative, foreplay is an important step but you would be surprised how many people get waylaid by all the tinsel and lose sight of the ornaments. The aim is hardness and wetness respectively, and don’t be a Scrooge.
5. Taste The Delicious Offerings- Just think of your date as Chanukah gelt—lick, taste and suck on them like you’re going to melt them with your mouth (you will!) Some will be both sweet and savory-depending on the part you’re devouring- the Japanese call this “Umami,” I call it “being thorough.”
6. Secret Santa- This is a stressful time of year—will you get Aunt Sally that special something, or will she see you as the insensitive twat who said that thing when you were nine? Will you have to sit at a table with your relatives pretending their attitude to race/meat jelly is not a travesty against humanity? Can you overlook that sweater as a hate crime? Take the pressure off yourself sexually and just be someone’s office Secret Santa- make your nooky anonymous and cute, instead of momentous and pressure-filled.
7. Don’t Get Those Jingles Stuck in Your Head- There are so many variations of stuff to do with the sex and yet people tend to stick to their tried and true moves. On The MILF Code we talked about that hilariously HERE (we are back at our new time Tuesday January 5, 1 pm FYI.) Try something new for the holidays! Screw your courage to the sticking place (as that crazy sexpot Lady Macbeth would say) and screw someone more courageously in their sticky place. Don’t stick to the same boring moves your partner can predict six minutes in advance, and make a bold attempt towards something you’re really into, but have never had the courage to try, because it seems too kinky in March.
8. Vacation! Guess what the greatest stress reliever is? That’s right- it’s fucking! You have a few days off work, give your children/cat some Benadryl and finally MAKE TIME for Rudolph’s nose to get red and poke that sleigh until all the bells ring, ya dig? (Don’t be afraid to get corny, clearly I’m not.)
9. Holiday Mixtape- Hey you- listen! Sex is AURAL, as well as visual, physical, olfactory and sensual. If you want to know if your partner/hook-up/rando is enjoying your moves, then LISTEN. Their breathing/moans/sighs will be the clues that will lead you to find the biggest unwrapped holiday gift of all- the FEMALE ORGASM. That’s right ladies and menz, this is the sweet task mistress we are all working for. In my experience married, relationshipped, and in discerning sluttiness, the key is being down to reach that common goal, because WHEN THE WOMAN CUMS, AND CUMS A LOT, EVERYBODY’S HAPPY MAZEL TOV. (Be patient, beauty can emerge when all seems lost- like the guy who wrote “Winter Wonderland” had Tuberculosis during The Great Depression.)
10. Yuletide Log- The hollowed out wood you stick in the hot place can also be a tasty treat, but do your loved one a favor and trim the bushes at the base. Her firepit does not need the extra kindling.
11. Pay Attention Through The Whole Meal– So you’ve accomplished Insertion AKA fucking AKA The Sex, now don’t check out mentally to watch the Game. Is she lying lifelessly below you like figgy pudding, or writhing around like cranberry jelly? Are his eyes rolling back in his head like he can see Jesus up in his skull, or does he seem like he’s just using you to dangle his lights on? Try to be a responsive a-hole, instead of an unresponsive one, because ‘Tis The Season.
12. Don’t Get Snowed In- If a person is generally unresponsive then they are either:
a. traumatized (not your fault)
b. shut down/don’t know how to connect intimately (not your fault) or
c. HAVE GIVEN UP TRYING to get what they want from you sexually (maybe your fault.)
How much of this situation is meteorology and how much is you not scraping the ice off the grill for years at a time? It’s never too late to bravely venture into the freeze and throw some snowballs at someone you may already love!
Go ahead ya crazy kids and have the best sex of your lives, but not because I told you to, but because now’s as good a time as any to get started on that resolution to “Have The Hottest Sex Of Your Life This Year.” (You can always ring it in diddling your ball until it drops, a brilliant light show with a perfect audience of one…)